i guess i should start by claiming that gradually over time people just take others for granted.
heard meiying talk about her friendship with her saiful today, and realised that maybe thats the exact same thing happening btwn me and she. its like an on off thing.
i still think its my fault, i probably made her the way she is today. maybe deep down she blamed me, but i'm not entirely not at fault. i shouldnt say anything. shiro asked me why on earth am i so linient towards others, and so harsh upon myself.
want me to be honest? i'm never harsh towards myself. its bcos i know tha ti dont have enough time left, that's why i let others take advantage of me. i know that shiro's worried, i know that idiot is worried, i know that the rest are worried. not bcos they dont get what i'm thinking about, but the fact that i always let others affect me more than i should. and its precisely bcos i dont show it, that's why they start to monitor everything.
shiro asked if i blamed her for doing stuff to me, to be honest, i dont. let me put it this way, its precisely bcos i know that she is a person more beautiful than she believes herself to be. i know that she does not wish to talk to me as much as before, and that she does not trust me like before. but do u know what? i've never expected anything from her, so i guess when i sensed it from her, i didnt feel disappointed in her, but with myself. its like i've been a failure as a friend. rei hated this trait about me, the fact that i feel responsible for god damm thing in the world. i've never said it out, but its bcos i knew that i could have done alot more for them, that's why i blame myself for it.
shiro said that nobody expected repaying from me, and its bcos they know that i would have done the exact same thing for them. guess that entering that room heightened up my senses. somehow or another. haha.. shiro said the same thing as his best friend did to me years ago. " 戻すことができる。"
can i tell you that i dont want you to do that? if possible, i want to disappear quietly and never come back again. bcos i know that if you guys were to have found out about the truth about everything, you guys would start to blame yourselves over everything.
did you think i was blind not to notice that you guys gave up your love lives for me. did you think i was blind not to notice that she no longer trusted me as much as she used to do. did you think that i didnt know that that man have been doing what he can for me behind the scenes and to not appear hurt infront of me. did you seriously think that i didnt know what i was doing when i told her stuff about our family.
i do things for a reason.
i told her bcos i was afraid that she wouldnt be ready for the world. i know all of you would say that its a stupid idea. yes, i agree. i didnt know what made me trust her so much till the point where i was willing to give up my life for her. i know that should word about us spread, the consequence will be disasterous. i know. but for once, i wanted to help her gain strength. i wanted to give her what i could never give the rest, the knowledge to protect herself from dangers. but this decision is a flawed one. i made her feel constricted.
i didnt stop you guys from giving up your love lives bcos i believed that the decision was yours to make. as the youngest, the only thing i could do was to make sure that you guys will be happy. that decision, as usual. is a flawed one.
shiro, did you think i didnt find out about the stuff you did for me? i realised that 2 months after entered. did you think that the both of you could have done things without me knowing? impossible.
i kept silent about the insults, the blames, the happiness, the sadness bcos i knew that should these be found out one day, everything that i've tried to build up for years will just go to naught.
you asked why didnt i tell her that i found out everything isnt it. simple. bcos i didnt want her to feel burdened. i didnt want her to feel bad. and bcos i wanted to keep this friendship.
shiro, you asked me why did i reject your buddy. simple. bcos i know that he is capable of finding somebody 1000 times better than i am. that itself, is enough.
i hated those heels, but i also loved it. i loved it bcos its what brought us together, what let me meet him, what led me to find the strength to carry on. i hated it bcos i thought that was what destroyed my life. but do u know that for the longest time, i've always wanted to tell you that you're the most important person in my life. even if i wanted to hug u to tell u that all is not lost and that even should i be gone one day, you shohuld still lead a life more fulfilling than ever. but i cant. bcos i care about u too much. i care so much so that i know should i overstep those boundaries, the both of us will step to the point of no return.
guys, i wanted to tell all of you that you've been a source of food, energy and life to me. at the darkest moments of my life, you guys are what kept me together. she's the first friend that i've made by myself ever since the day i stepped out from that box. that's why i wanted to keep a nice memory of her. haha! kiwi and the rest are as importnat as well. each of them form me into what i am today and cared for me in ways more than i could ever repay them for.
for that, i leave my story for another day.
- do you have what it takes to get through the darkness moments of your life? -
