2023 was hard but it also had some pretty great things to
for the few first months, it felt like a replay of 2022, 2021, and 2020, fealing with my dad's health problems since he was taking that out on me, I did get to go to the World Clown Association Convention I sadly have mixed feelings about since I loved meeting the clowns but still feel bad that I so scared of all the balloons, I even drop my favorite stuffie Vlanders but thankfully got him back, I just always thought that if I ever got to go to a clown event that even if it had balloons I would be ok coz the clowns would make them not so scared since I thought clowns could make anything not so scary but that didn't happen at all, I feel like I lost an important shield and I don't know how to get it back, I wish I could be brave like my friends,
I can go back to the World Clown Association Convention this coming year 2024, I wish I had something to make me braver but I can't think of anything that can, not clowns or Vlanders or even Astarion/Neil Newbon but since I can't be brave I have thought of a way around the nope, my friend Jayel said that I could have a sign that says I'm scared of balloons but I'm much too shy to do that however Kamen Rider Gotchard has a character that is like me, he is as shy as I am and almost never talks so he uses his Sabimaru uses his ipad call Isaac, it talks for him, so my idea is that I could type what I want to say on my phone that way I keep my headphones on all the time,
I also made my very first children's book, something I never thought I could do since I have dyslexia but making an 8-page comic with Jayel did help my poor broken self-esteem feel like I could do it, I was however really taken back by how my friends wanted to read it & even liked it that still means so much to me, I am working on another book, I want to make this one more like a old fairy tale,
I have also been trying my best to be less scared of masks, my friend BonBon helped me be ok with masquerade masks, but I have also become less scared of the character Patience from Pack, Patience has a dog mask that from the first time I saw it has scared me, but I wanted to like or at least not be so scared of Patience coz my friend Jayel, so I ask Jayel about him and learning about him did, I am still scared of other masks 1 coz coz um I'm not the sure how to put it into words but masks don't look right, um since they move when someone is talking & you can't see the person's eyes at all, masks kind of come across like ventriloquist dummies and I hate ventriloquist dummies so so much, they are as scary & awful as balloons & fireworks, but at least I am ok with masquerade masks & Patience,
I also started playing D&D this year and it has been really wonderful, everyone in the group is so nice & all of the games have been so much fun and no balloons that's 10 out of 10 right there, D&D has also been helping with getting used to voice chat. and Baldur's Gate 3 came out and became a big comfort for me, I love all of the characters & I love the story and once again no balloons thank gods, I also love that I get to join in on all the things as this is the first time i get to join in all of the things in a group so it means a lot to me, Astarion is my favorite since I relate to his story, and Astarion has also been helping with saying when something makes me uncomfortable and not just nopeing out without saying anything, Astarion has been helpful with this coz in the game, he will do whatever you ask till he becomes more confident and he slowly becomes more confident as you play the game, and later in the game he will say when he doesn't want to do something and how it makes him feel, watching the clips of Astarion being confident helps, I don't have the words to say how or why it helps, it just does,
I also learned that I am autistic, and it has been a big relief to have an answer after my whole life just thinking I was stupid & broken for having so many fears that other people don't have or for just not understanding some things, it has helped a lot, I have been learning more about autism to better understand myself,
I have also done a lot of art and try hard to make every painting better,
well I guess that is mostly it aside from this weekend being awful I wish fireworks were banned but aside I'll keep trying to make my art better & try to use my words & be kind to myself but now it is sleeps time
