I am lying on my bed in my dorm while writing this diary.
Minutes from now I will go back to my hometown.
Just awhile ago, I wrote an article about my experience in Bohol. But I will write its continuation later.
I am sometimes depressed. Like last night and now. And when I am depressed I just want to hide from people and sleep.
When I was in Bohol, my aunt and her friend couldn't help but notice my mood swing and depression.
Even my Japanese classmate and friend noticed it (she and I are classmates for only 1 subject).
My family, close friend, and classmates know it. But I know only I can take action to heal it.
When I was surrounded by strangers, especially foreigners, I realized how dependent I have been to my high school and my college classmates and friends.
I want my Japanese friends to always enjoy my company even in different settings. But actually, I am veeeery boring. I cannot start "fun" on my own. I am not that adventurous. I am skeptical and doubtful and easily get worried.
I dont have good relationship with my family. My parents, brothers... Even friends.
I think I am disgusting.
Some people wanna become friends with me.
But even when we are friends I always remain skeptical. I always get worried about the relationship. WHY???
I really wonder what has become of me. I was never like this.
Is it me or is it them???
I always want people, especially the Japanese, to be honest towards me.
I was in vacation in another island for three days and 2 nights with my aunt. She introduced me to our relatives.
On my way to the island in the Oceanjet (boat), I received a text message from my mother saying "Dont speak English to the host family because they might feel intimidated."
All I thought was, "" Huh?
I never knew about our relatives beforehand.
When we arrived at the port in the island, the passengers were welcomed with several workers. The workers held an information poster about travelling and services that they offer like car or van for rent, tour guiding, restaurant, resorts, taxi, etc.
I guess they were tourism representatives of their company.
But the way they invited us looked informal. And they looked exhausted.
My aunt, her friend and I had to wait and sit in the waiting shed seats for our attendant. My aunt started to get impatient so she called somebody several times on the phone. While waiting, a worker sitting next to us tried to persuade us to use his car rental service.
"Your escort keeps you waiting for too long. Try our serivce, etc.."
But not long after, a shining huge blue car stopped at the entrance.
"Oh! That's our service!", my aunt exclaimed.
"Ah! D-Max!", exclaimed the worker.
I never knew about what D-Max car looked like. My aunt just described me it's a huge car that can be brought to the mountains.
But what I imagined was a jeep car, like this: ↓
This is the car
I thought it was a nice car. But why would the owner have such a huge car?
When I got inside the car, there were crumbs of food in the seats.
Then, the driver was young, around 20 years old. He looked tired and sleepy, also.
I just imagined that he might have gone to party with his friends using the car just recently.
Nevertheless, I thought that if I were him I woud clean my property because it tells my guests that "I prepared for your arrival and your presence is taken seriously."
My aunt took me to various places even on the first day. We moved from one place to another after we had our photos with the sign boards taken. It had not been the intention of my aunt to stay longer in the place to appreciate the scenery. She enjoyed very much taking photos of herself with us. Also, she always ordered us to take good photos of ourselves. By "good photos", she means the following:
1) Our faces should have make up
2) Different clothes for different places
3) Different posture and position for different places
4) Different angles
5) shouldn't frown or duck face
Etc..
In the car, my aunt was the noisiest and the busiest.
My aunt lectured us a lot on "how to look good for facebook."
Even while listening to us, she always used the phone to upload photos on Facebook, comment and chat with her friends about our trip.
At times she would read the messages to us and let out a boisterous laughter.
Then, she would tell us like "hey, look how great is your aunt!!"
My aunt was the oldest of all passengers in the car. But she was also the most energetic.
So energetic that it influences the people in the car.
We, young people, just allowed my aunt to be herself and laugh with her.
I just followed orders from my aunt and pretend that I enjoyed it.
But I think even my old aunt could sense my feigned enjoyment.
There were times I failed to follow her orders, like, "take photos of yourself here and there."
And finally she blurted it out loud to me, "if you don't do it, I won't take you to any place anymore."
When she said that, I was mad.
But I kept silent and hid my feeling.
In my mind were complaints of her.
But later on, I blame myself because my aunt only wanted me to enjoy.
I'm so sorry that I failed to realize this earlier.
My aunt is very meticulous about person's attractiveness. She would praise or criticize the make up they wear, clothes they wear, beauty of place... but she never even grumbled about the house of the hosts.
Actually, the whole house was soo dirty and messy.
When we were in their house, we walked around with our sandals and slippers.
The floor tiles had several scratches that looked like abrasions of human body. Dust on the floor was so obvious.
The poles for the curtains were dented and needed repair.
On the dining table were pieces of food and crumbs of food that had been there for several days.
Their shelf contained disarranged pieces of figurines and there were spider webs.
Their television was big but was positioned inappropriately. It was situated as if it would easily fall.
The sink was full of dirty plates and water from the faucet was kept flowing.
And that's not all.
In the evening of that day, I had to use the bathroom of our host (relatives) for bath.
The bathroom was sooo dirty. There was cockroach. The floor and corners of the wall looked black. Bowl had black stuff. The storage container for the water was extremely black because of dirt. It was the worst. I hate to remember it.
But I had no choice but to use it; otherwise, I had to deal with bad odor of my body.
But even when I finished my bath, my anus started to itch... f*ck
The house was full of clutter and it was as if it had not been cleaned for many months.
I know my relatives are soo busy with their business but I wish that they hire even a household helper to clean their entire house. Also, my aunt! Since the host family and my aunt are closer to each other than I to them, my aunt could have told them off or hinted them about the need to clean their house!
When I stayed in their house, I was reminded that I never want my house to be as filthy as that. I want to care my house like how I want to be cared. When other people come to my house, I want them not to be awed by the things in my house, but by the serenity and inspiration that the entire house brings to the visitors. Like Marie Kondo, I want to respect my house and bring joy to the people.
I didn't enjoy staying in their house. But I enjoyed the food!! Our dinner was held outside. They prepared delicious pieces of food for us. But the roasted milky fish was the best!! I ate it with sauce. The sauce is made with toyo, lemon citos and onions! Hmm!! I can imagine now! Delicious!!
But while I enjoyed the food, I cannot help noticing that all the people around me used their fingers to get and eat the food.
It was only I who used spoon and fork. But gradually I changed and used my fingers.
I am lying on my bed while I am writing this diary.
It's been awhile since the last time I wrote in here.
Classes ended on March 24th and since then I had been staying in my hometown for many days.
I have been wanting to write in this blog about my life, especially my life with my Japanese friends. But for some reason I just don't do it.
I really don't like my house where I grew up. There is no love in the house and just staying there drains me. I want to run away from my family. They are my family yet I feel we are strangers.
Anyway, I am in my dorm now. But tonight I will sleep with my aunt in her house. As we agreed before, tomorrow early morning we will travel together to another island to meet our relatives. Hopefully, my aunt will take me to the renowned chocolate hills and beaches in that island.
I will write in this blog again when I come back to my dorm after my short vacation in the island.
I'm lying on my bed now typing this diary on my phone.
The day my Japanese friend will leave is nearing.
I wonder whether or not I have fulfilled my duty as her friend.
Was I satisfied? Was she satisfied?
Is there something else she wants to do?
How about me?
For me, I want her to meet my father.
She will leave soon and it may take her a long time to come back to my country and our place. But even though we may be far away, I always want her to remember that she is always welcome here in my heart. When she is in trouble she can always come to me. Because, I am her friend who fills in her need. And not just friend but perhaps family.
Yesterday in the afternoon, my friends and I met in a cafe owned by a Japanese just near our university.
My friend told me that she had wanted to meet my Japanese friend. And so, I put forth the idea that we meet together.
When we met, we tried on the yukatas in the cafe. My Japanese friend brought her own yukata and wore it.
Strangely, she went to the restroom to change.
On the other hand, the two of us were downstairs trying on the yukata with the help of cafe staff. We didn't take off our clothes. When we were done we went upstairs. But my Japanese friend wasn't done yet. So I knocked on the door to check her. When she opened the door, she almost finished her dressing up. She had taken off her upper clothes.
BUT the smell and sight of the restroom really caught my attention.
It smelt so stinky and looked not so good. All I could ever imagine was how my friend could stand the smell while she was in the restroom.
Actually, it was my 3rd time to come to the cafe. The first was its opening celebration. Second was for CGP. And third was for this time. I had never ordered anything when I went there until yesterday. For the first time, I had ordered something and that was french fries.
Overall I don't like the cafe. i just went there because I thought the cafe might have been improved since the last time I visited there. But when went there, I felt it's still the same.
When we were done, we took many photos of ourselves together using each of our phones.
Of course, we looked very lovely.
After that we sat in the sofa.
But I felt quite disappointed in the long run. I had always thought that my friend dominated the conversation. She was overly talkative that I felt bored and quite tired. She said she wanted to meet my friend, but what we did the entire time was to listen to her stories. It's okay to talk a lot, but sometimes one has to consider other person's needs so that everyone can enjoy the time.
Am I blaming her?
Later on I reflected.
I think it's my fault. The reason I was bored is because I didn't achieve my goal. Consciously or unconsciously, I have a goal. I might not know what I want, but I have what I want. That's why I feel sad, because I couldn't do what I like or achieve my goal. Yeah, I wanted us to meet one another. But there's actually more than that.
Next time when we meet I think I should tell her frankly what I think of her talkativeness. At least she can be aware of it.
Tonight, the female host of the language exchange group told me that she missed me.
I felt incredulous. "Really?"
And after that, she immediately asked me to share my photos in the group.
At first I felt agreeable with it.
But later on, I had second thoughts.
Why would she ask me that?
I don't want to upload my photos on my own or using my name.
So I asked my friend to upload it for me, explaining to him what had happened.
My friend uploaded the photos.
But when I saw the bunch of photos, I felt sooo shy. There were many faces of me. And actually I felt bored at that time (except when I had my chitchat with my new friend).
When I told this feeling to my friend, he answered, "then why do you want the photos to be uploaded then? You could have ignored the request of the host."
Yeah, WHY?
Maybe, I really believed in what the host said to me, which made me believe the entire experience was actually fun.
Yeah I was bored.
But my friend pointed out, "Every moment is a blessing, Freya"
Maybe, after all I hate to be made fun of, because I really believed in it.
Then, this might be selfish thinking. Because I didn't consider how my friend would feel.
" Huh?
f*ck
", I pointed out. 
