Ｉ AM THE WALRUS①

例えば君が人から「彼」と呼ばれたり、

あるいは自分のことを誰かに対して

「僕」と呼んでみたりするように

僕も対象としての「彼」で在り得るということだ。

つまりいずれもみんな同じことじゃないか。

ゴシップ欄に載ったって

路地裏で物乞いをしたって

僕は何と言われようが僕に過ぎないのだから。

人が銃口を突きつけられた様は

まるで猟師に狙われる豚と同じみたいに見えるだろう？

ほら、まるで地平を離れるように

逃げ惑い、怯えるんだ。何て様だろう。

それでも僕は僕を脱することは出来ないって言うのだから、

僕は泣きたくても泣けない愚図った子供みたいな状態にある。



職場に向かうトラックが僕を迎えに来るのを待っていたら

僕はいつの間にやら昼食にと買った

コーンフレークの箱の上に座っているのを忘れていた。

僕はヨレヨレに伸び上がった

企業のロゴマークの入ったシャツを着ている。

生憎の火曜日に公然とこんな有態で

日が暮れ行くのを知らずに迎えるなんていうのは

何とも愚かで忌々しい。

加えてこんな日に顔を合わすのはどいつもこいつも

子供染みて間の抜けた面ばっかりだ。

若し僕がそんな彼等に対して

腹の底から声を大にして罵ることがあるのなら

こんな風に言ってみたいといつも思う。

「顔をプレスか何かで精一杯引き伸ばして

　一人でも多くの世間の人にその面を見てもらうがいい。

　『こんなに俺は馬鹿ですよ！』ってな。」



だけど実際には僕はまだ殻の中に閉じこもったままで

奴等と何か口も聞きたくないし、

寧ろ顔を合わすことすら忌まわしいぐらい。

当の奴等もまた、殻に閉じこもっている。

だから周囲に与える愚かしさなんて理解し得ない。

僕を包む殻とは質が違う。

だけど僕が殻を破って日を仰ぎ見なくてはいけないのだとしたら

そうして僕自身が大人になることを望むのだとしたら

奴等に対しても一抹の光明を差し与えてやるぐらいの

寛容さが必要だというものだ。

そんなことを今の僕の自尊心が許すとでも言うのか！

僕はたっぷり肥えて腹黒いセイウチ。

氷の上で、我のことばかり考えている。

それもまたべとべとしていてねっとりしていて

いい身分じゃないか！

背中が冷たくていい気持ちだ。

10

It is an event of the sea over there. A large quantity of sardine did not fall from the sky, and it is not one end of the wet season when even bread and soup were put off. Any value that I am much more minute than it, and is worthless drops one lump of the iron which there is not, and, as for the life, a thing is easily informed of an ending than I enlarge it. Besides, abruptness as do not notice that warp at the same time. It is not a thing done representation of in a dimension brutality anymore. In a sense individual feelings and a saying thing are made from absolute composition on a thing of an electronic sign of the news, and specific gravity is fixed as if I say that there is no help for it even if it is regarded as ecosystem. And of a side to be informed of, for example, as for me, other people's affairs are over to shed tears by a case at the other side of just the sea one by one, and is too insensitive yet to say when receive it while laughing. Such a sense of distance is very irritating, and there is it and, on the other hand, is felt at all nonsensically. Say whether may give me an impression of a near relation more when is an event in the neighboring country where this is not separated by water very much, and it is possible for interpretation of essence on having stood on realism and a saying thing well that oneself is different from other another person in at a thing and the time of the bureau which is constipated as for the trial to prove a vacant supposition; that is a person; can stick to some wall as admiration use, and to put a thing; of a dictionary to always confirm it because can seem to compare. Even if it is a real thing on imagination, myself who am the act subject seem to walk in the space. Even if there was the sea, I would not see it even if there was not it even if a border was visible, but I chose a thing passable most and forged it because there was such thing in a choice without it being it with a standard of an incentive for consideration at all to be reasonable reasonably later. Because, for it, there is it in the globally tacit consent bottom that no sense of guilt needs. There is the thing that is more important than it so as to have a mental space as I deserve it if I think about it whether you are satisfied with reality life, and conscience is only the second to the last. Is anyone so? Because there is not the room that gives another person the cereals which it is not the duty that oneself must eat, and is necessary.
　However, clown of a show booth a thing seen over there sold sympathy, and to get of the sea, it were myself when it noticed it even if going around and around after all. Far from not becoming money even if I sell sympathy no matter how much either, as for no reward - nobody does thanks. Rather I am felt uncomfortable, and falling into it is the most one can do in self-hate. Even if it tells such a groundless rumor that is nobody's thing like one's true intention, it is the waste which a good thing spreads over with a thing to "be the first in this" for an addressee above all in this world. Production is not enough for even a waste box to throw it away anymore.
　Originally a biography should be audacious thing should have thought about what and, to see what, would measure it. At first you should have compensated for what you did not know, the crime that did not obtain the thing which I should have been able to get if I vividly said.

9

The thing that I was able to get this. And I lost it other than it entirely. I get the future going by wet without waiting for solidification in the ground. And if weather; already manual to anyone; can go until the time unless arrive. Whenever it feels a moment afterward, I seem to become stiff, and it is a problem what you entrust a lump of this meat becoming heavy and the expression that froze to. If a thought fades away, it is answered in the affirmative entirely. It is washed away by either if I affirm it with the thing which is incompatible with impulse to cling to absentmindedness and the life that you may already suffer from how. A wrist is not white skin of an original color anymore. Something seems to be jam-packed, and I see it, and the wound which there is not so either is ironical at all to present me, and great quality is felt. As for such time, will what I make any kind of expression be suitable? Whether you want to thank somebody or do I am sorry? I lose a pain of an organic number coming to nothing by oneself and notice it. The voice was cut off. I do not understand whether soil will be cold well. Heavy eyelids. Lips melt for some reason. Is it already good? But surely still more. In a way of enjoying these games that are true not what the game still began, and I am preoccupied with only an enemy nearby as always, and is caught by a far-off enemy finally ...
The music record player which I pocketed continues still sounding. An only phenomenon to repeat only the same music till consumption ends.

8

A bird in a basket. A houseplant of a greenhouse. The fierce animal which was tamed. I think of only a lukewarm description at all then now when I reflect on breeding of own to look up at the horizon. Ordinariness is the thing which you spoke well of, but rather does seem to stick together suddenly far from, no, days and its which I continued being pressed for being not serious as expected which is to be apart? I itemize one 1, and it is ordinariness without room to doubt at all even if it displays stars on the side, and it watched it. The sardine which was launched. The butterfly which was robbed of a feather. It is the ugly good-for-nothing who does not mind essence! Go right now; right now. I exclude the checkmark. Restless need does not have any this. Thus on earth how much thing did you see? It is not serious. I am not blind in a knothole, but it is only a really such a small amount of thing whether blood circulates through what, a difference. But even such I stick out my chest definitely whether I am near whether I am long and can distinguish. Even as for the far and near method? I am worthless. Is it an only thing? By several centimeters can stop in watching the mask which slipped off of a part, and but forging it is only only it in an idea. Thus how if I try to look in a mirror in front of a washstand? Do I still see a face such as a dried-up straw paper in hanshi size in the same way as until now? I do not seem to be unpleasant. Ha-ha how? Try to look! I spoke well to express, and the outside expressed it. It must have been right truth. I filter straw paper in hanshi size where and I am transparent more and can have a glimpse to a wall of the other side. I am very thin! Good-for-nothing! This is my essence. There is not at all a point to move eyes to besides an edible decoration. A mannequin of the mere monotone that no projection has gnarling. Cannot but laugh; sleep; really! What are you? I am a shadow! A thing losing it has nothing anymore if I recognize it. I am a guy such as a black kite! Stop it to jeer. I raise a voice more greatly and I laugh loudly, but am good. Still, it is a convenient thing. A guy of this far and near method. OK, what will you watch while wearing down my life more than before fast from now on? I am excited just to think about it! I hold only ... ... ... and am strange. Though a heart sound accelerates in this way, and a feeling becomes exalted, and it says unless an opened mouth is blocked, on earth what will it be? This liquid which I drift to a line of a chin along my cheeks in this way and I become a drop and fall to the ground, and ooze out.
　Even if I close my eyes and cover my ears and pick up a nose and keep quiet, I steal into my conception, and some says that I whisper it. Because it was not stimulation of the outside, and I was similar as if I let all nervous system freeze and am crouching down in this way. This is my voice. It is the voice that I ask myself about. The thing that I suppressed this with the guy that it is called feelings till now is now.

7

I am strange after having parted from that woman; felt uneasy, and it was already really worried. Only worthless future development to have possibilities to just arrive at a solitary island of the somewhere land if I jump into the sea at all now that is awfully excited like a sense of separateness and self-hate after having finished reading a story of a crazy idea absorbedly in a short time passes a head. It is the thing which seems to relax if I cancel the desire that does not become known of this true shape by acting for something, but examination is absent-minded with the thing which is hard to become available in many cases at all what I should do only at such a time. It is awfully cold. Only it slashes at my nervous system as a certain thing.
　I walked a town. The same scenery still always spreads through my view again. As for anyone, he seems to be a persona in spite of faces of each one should be different. A person passing each other by a brisk walk, the person whom I am equal and block up a way, and enjoy play at night, a part-time job of the bar which I get drunk, and do an attraction in a street which I sit down on a way, and do not move, a group of in the company of children housewives, the all are unrealistic, ideological existence.
I "cling and what do live for in what with confidence?" As for me, light of neon and a dynamo is still still dazzling at all as the present counterpart of my own, and it is felt a large group of people whom I rub ", and go. Find such a thing which different present I do not get essentially when is mean, and is had dealings even if only which piled up a roll of bills envy or jealousy for one one No-mask; is unpleasant, and stand out.
"Even as for the far and near method?" Nonsense. Though when I am lost in meditation, I may take such scenery good. Even if my essence wriggled after all, a thing my methods is not the thing which I can so easily change! I demanded a while ago a thing, the person who clung to a reason in search of just just help! I do not listen to silly talk anything of such a young girl like a dog of inferior breed which I make up to a human being, and ask for a caress without no inevitability that was not so. Oh, the abyss of despair that I imagined was a terrible shallow thing. Because reality is the thing which does not tell me about an end of darkness coolly heavily, I accept the nervous system which you cannot know even if you can cut it when progressively and do shudder with fear? "

6

It is pitch-black in a cellar. I am extrovert, and darkness is going to extend the world by force anytime. Delight and despair and sympathy and hatred are merciless in what kind of attribute and a characteristic and erode with all the things which can touch it without being concerned if I do not expect it when I expect it. Will it be the result at night that a feeling calms down very much? I conquer all the things I become a part of a shadow, and to touch and may test where I can grow big to till new day breaks. Sympathy beyond the time when I totally shut myself up in a small, gloomy closet in boyhood and accused something indirectly. Of course, for example, my then object was face value of pocket money appointed by father and mother and time of the closing time or antipathy for brothers acute trouble that was worthless if it was it now. However, it must be permitted by the upper story that I reconsidered non-restrictively now to the last from there because it is a viewpoint of me of 21 years old. They would be world all for then me surely and did not know outside world existence than it. I was going to still enlarge my domain desperately in the world. Such a system will be drawn if I relate a day to a day one by one. Will it be for where to be able to find darkness and a basic difference with present me who lie hidden in that? Does nothing change? Whether this would be a universal way of thinking or I lay hidden in a hole, and only darkness and this I who played opened a box, and will only I be able to have failed? Eventually, I got what after time and what will have lost?

5

She always sings the same song. She sings to repeat itself somewhat precisely than I repeat the sound that I taped with a tape recorder. I have a stable wavelength and the doubtful impression that it-like, a voice gets nevertheless, and seem to fly and the expression that the innocent girl soaked into like the unbecoming water solution which I am husky, and is slightly strongly-flavored.

"Is it it, the song which it always sings, what a music?" "

I do not seem to "listen to a fault, a story of a person and I am going to notice it unexpectedly and notice" it. "

That "means that it is always said". Though I do not have an idea at all for some reason. "

If "the person who should look looks, everybody thinks so". The thing which your hair style seems to be always irregularity key, and why does properly. You do consciousness, and it feels like paying attention to it towards oneself who watches a person rather than oneself who is seen in a person outskirts of the nervous system organ which always controls an expression, that, for example, the person that form of hair is not always confused like conscious person whom I am not concerned whether you do not lend it, and can always surround it with consciousness harshly that is you says to a mouth and eyes and a nose though there will not be it. It is a way of thinking of I individual to the last. If only it that is appearances look; of another person vs. oneself cannot be communicated. I do masturbation by the stimulation that oneself gives for oneself. Actually I think that it must be it that there is that kind of side to you though I may not finish saying so predicably. "

"You seems to be absentminded and takes the human being good". I admired a little. "

Certain, but she agreed with a while ago and continued words as breathing whether I did not hear my answer or whether I did giving no heed to.

It "is intellect with one's face I say and feel like saying than oneself thinks of you in it". It is not to watch it not what is indifference whether you watch a mirror too much. Surely surely I pull a beautiful line and think that a person of you is pictured without chance on paper if I let you draw one's portrait. But I can sleep and may not surely draw oneself not to be oneself. Certainly. "

In all which she talks about, it pierces my dry heart like a corn barnacle obstinately without a gap. It was already near to a blow rather than stimulation. Thus I was not able to bend eyes from an area of her eyelids without being caught in even any words to return next. Silence. However, as for her, this silence totally let there be it as a thing with a meaning like a rest in score; if could compare, smiled a little, and continued words again.

About "this song which ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... complies so" with? "

She shakes a throat again slowly.

Block up an exit of steam

I spread a carpet all over the world

I get fat and step over a graveyard of an aspect

An autobahn runs

Cubism of children

The times to reset confession

A legend named innocence

An adult recycles it

In an end of equality

If I bury a disk in a head

Me and you are trod

A record of wins and losses only for the third turns around

A high place be demanded

Bill comes from the sea

If I say that this is punishment

Whom should I demand a crime from?

"Perspective　method." "

"How?" "

Without any connection, I felt this word that I issued in the moment when she changed it for a natural voice from a singing voice to me at all transparently. I have completely admired it. To her weight of the gravity that I am thick, and sweep over the space where she is with this me in a bunch of the hair which shined black to the body having a long up and down to a thin nape for the singing voice that got on wind now in a shaking throat! I had the feeling that a body was torn off to 2 by force. And the words that she issued. A far and near method.

"Perspective　method." An only method to understand that you are you. "

4

There is not God. It is a giggle of metaphysics. As the handbill which is a cram school whether is a condominium newly mailed by the ugly middle-age man whom sound a sound in a sole and the ground which hang it, and screw the wing-collared shirt which is fluent to cover the stomach which can compare, and got fat smoothly of a fjord in pants, and came off a neck pitapat each time, and walk the towel which is lukewarm, and was yellowed with a sink when can compare, and understand white here and there now, and that is why breathe sweat without thickness which no matter how it is it on very thin Yasushi standard size Japanese paper so that there is not me more than before, and suggest the palm in always sticky hand oil, and is beautiful with what thing with purity with a towel from a neck, and flutter light with whom is huge only as for the body, cutting it is cut by a machine of ability as is mailed by a mailbox in a gatepost of the house where raised a nameplate stained slightly which does not know, and is not turned eyes to the contents of a newspaper (though say that is dirty wastepaper given a meaning to simply because there are the mentioned number or thing information in this way); if can compare, it is it with social garbage, and is the industrial waste which, no, already social, do not enter! Even if I struggle and got into the dark that cannot struggle, I will not believe such a thing, and I am not believed!

　But, however, what will I catch it with if there was able to be the thing that the slight light shines in the dark? If such light it is not a vision or a virtual image and is surely reflected in view, and to let my brilliance reduce with stimulation was able to let you do it! I must surely think that it is a helping hand of anyone when I fall on a general idea of the gods and Buddha. If it is it, it will be said on earth to be anyone. Even if such an object toys a head to me daylong now at the grassy plain where too big green is green again, I will not have an idea at all. Anyway and, as for me, I was going to throw all away in this social unexplored region here and failed. I thought that anyone who was derived from there did him and her and you and me to one all, and I could let all love and feeling and pity and sentiment leave in nothing, and it should have been possible for the readiness. And I was not used to less than me than me either. Will such I be what I can play to address whom now?

　However, this light is not an ideological thing; in fact light me up. It is the moment when long long hide-and-seek terminates. As the action that moment, I who recognized it which was practical asked it first above all, I covered a face unintentionally.

3

A sandglass has neither the top nor a bottom. And drift sand has neither the front nor the back.

Sand goes to flow stability automatically without fighting against gravity of a planet in the same way as water.

But, as for the point that embodied gravity and correlation of time, only 1 will be symbolic.

As much as gravity becomes strong, as for the time, I become more gradual. It is an object of a phenomenon, a phenomenon of an object very much.

It seems to be totally my heart.

It gets heavy so that there is many it if there are much|many things sticking to a heart and cannot use it as expected in time.

An hour hand of a clock hangs down to a place to already approach an evening.

I was not able to sleep all the time.

Of the jazz song that it springs out of a stereo as well as humidity of early summer

Because a percussion reached an edge with a rattling sound. I do not memorize a name of an artist for an impression that much.

In this case it is not so important.

I for consciousness (even if was going to take a sleep most, was unconsciousness at first),

But I turned an ear to a percussion and used a worthless thought about it.

With "a thing giving the rhythm that it says breathing to an inorganic matter of music to strum a percussion instrument in a disorderly manner in this way"

The music may let you draw a parabola up and down planarly thereby

Even myself finding a nothing important meaning for this thought when it is now for such a wind on the nonsense top

I cannot do it.

The thing which I assumed such a vagueness is essence, and on earth I believe it, and who will show sympathy?

2

The time that is repeated endlessness

If it is a sin to waste vacantly

On earth how much head count

Is it exposed to condemnation?

One world will be seen here.

An ant and a grasshopper

A master and a slave

A producer and a consumer

A domestic animal and a human being

Or it is ...

No, do it this way

To do like attracting a daytime boundary line in the morning

If metaphysics before the theory of evolution can compare

By sorting it out

Will not the merits and demerits to real life be the things which are worth if I take it?

The important thing is

Do I want to feel relieved?

In this rat race

Than several thousand another person

I want conviction to fall!

What a meanness!

An opening of meditation of such an instant

Come

Of the center of busy streets

Being an unexplored region of society,

And

I who was stained slightly without chance

There being it with the leading role,

It is stuck to the mind and does not leave it.

Particularly,

I am not lonely

Do not starve for warmth; is free

The trace which I imagined in those days

I have become the wreckage of a dream all too soon.

Even if I followed explanation skillfully no matter how slyly

Instant when it is worn down of the reality that I cannot fight against.

Even if I look up at a ceiling

Water flows through low one.

With the emperor

What is born on much junk.

The thing which is only just a mere human being after all

So that I worship it from a certain time, and it comes to be presented

Must you be used to be anxious like that?

If it is it

The cornered rat which crawls about soil

Mind is a thing to be comfortable!

Need to pay more attention to towards the wide world has nothing,

If I can be satisfied in a well

It is a guy of ignorance is bliss.

Is a guy named an acquaintance so sometimes heartless?

Oh, there is it!

All are already hateful.

I cannot eat it with constancy recurrence!

If I shut in me here and do it

I will not be able to lean on whose back in future!

OK, close a door!