Mixed feelings or melting pot, I don't know a better way to describe my own mind. Because I am too indecisive to think about one thing. There is so many things going on in my mind that I feel like it's a melting pot of strange feelings. I feel good for feeling pity and compassion on them, but I also feel bad for feeling jealous and wanting more in life.
First, it was the death of my high school teacher. I am really affected by it. I just want to pray to God and ask him that he may go to heaven with him. The second is, the unfortunate occurrence to my college schoolmate. Her brother suffers from covid and everyday they pay 200,000 pesos to the hospital. At first I felt so shocked because I didn't expect that someone as bright or smart as her would allow herself to experience such an unfortunate situation. It's like in my own point of view she humbled herself and asked for everyone's help, and I feel that feeling, I was struck by God's roar of thunder-- telling me that it is time for me to help (later, I asked for help from my mother and she said maybe give her 300 pesos and send by G-cash. But I feel it is so little and that she should send more. I asked for help from a Japanese chatmate [not really a frequent chatmate] who is looking for a Filipina to get married to and told him about and am waiting for his response). In spite of all this, even though I should feel sadness and compassion for those who are afflicted, I still managed to look up on youtube a Filipina living in Paris who showed her house in Paris and in the Philippines, which was big and which she earned from many years of working (I dont know her work is). At first, I appreciate her house and her work. And I was on jealousy. But later on, my mind told me that I could do better than that and I thought of impossible ways to achieve it. I thought of asking directly money from those who are rich like the billionaires or directly ask my mother's rich friends to loan me thousands of money to go abroad and to work at a rich neighborhood (but I do not know exactly what to work. I would like to translate but I am not sure how much money it would bring me). At this point, I was beating myself for my current situation because at 24 years old, I still haven't found myself a job and I didn't do my best to look for it. Luckily, my situation was covered by the covid. Because of it, a lot of people have been unemployed. Even though I continuously beat myself for not reaching success at an early age, I still remember that I respect everyone no matter their situation, and I have a greater preference of sympathy and compassion for those who have been unfortuante with their lives. I'm sure that nobody wants to be in a bad situation. Everyone wants to rise up, have a roof and a bed to sleep, be able to eat 3 times in a day and have money to cover their expenses for the rest of their lives.