My first relationship has truly, truly ended now. It started and ended on the same day.
The conclusion can be summarised in just one sentence - She loves another man and wants me to disappear from her life.
Without even realising it, I have become the bad guy who stands in the way of her new love story.
Now she will finally be happy. That's enough for me. Her happiness means everything to me, but I am no longer the person who can make her happy.
Here are my thoughts on everything.
Our 2.5 years of relationship was great. Most of it was spent apart from each other, so it was a miracle that it even lasted that long. The time we spent with each other physically was beyond great, it was amazing. We have never quarrelled even once when we were together. She did get angry at me a few times and stopped talking to me, but that was all.
As for the time spent apart, it was great too. She was a needy girl and often needed my attention. I would put aside a few hours everyday to chat with her, because I knew that frequent communication was necessary to keep a long distance relationship going.
I sincerely believed that we were perfect for each other. Ultimately, we lost to the distance. Since she moved to USA she no longer had her room mates and close friends to keep her company. She was far from home and alone, and she needed some company. We had a 16-17 hours difference between us, so very often she couldn't talk to me immediately when she needed someone to talk to. It all went downhill from there.
In all her time there, she was constantly stressed out by the fact that she couldn't get an internship, couldn't get her teaching assistant job, and generally was upset that she wasn't as good as the people around her. I could only give her encouragements that didn't cheer her up at all.
A third party entered her life at that time, and provided her with the companionship she needed so badly. Since then she felt guilty about being unfaithful to me, and decided to break up with me.
In the following months, she went through a great transformation. She slowly turned into someone who I didn't know at all. She started to avoid me, for longer and longer periods of time.
My unwavering love for her had become an endless source of guilt for her, and she just wanted to get rid of me from her life so she could escape from that guilt.
On the other hand, I had my own struggles. I desperately wanted to keep her in my life, for two reasons; I wanted to see her one last time to find out what she really was thinking, as well as to keep her in my life because she was such a close friend to me.
After a while, I realised that she had completely shut her heart off to me. The girl who used to type long paragraphs now talk to me in one or two-words sentences. Most of the time she just totally ignored me.
The girl I loved was gone. I knew that, but I refused to accept it. I didn't know how I could stop making her feel guilty and behaving that way to me. She would never talk with me about it even if I asked her.
She behaved coldly to me in the hope that I would give up on her. Maybe somewhere deep in her heart she still loved me a little, but she just wanted me to let the past go so she could stop feeling guilty and both of us could move on with our lives.
When she broke my last hope by saying she didn't want to go to Japan with me because she loves someone else, I decided it was time to give up. It was the first time she was honest to me in a long time, and I was grateful for that.
She hadn't shown me a single smile since Valentine's Day. The only time I saw her smile was in her photos taken by the man she loves now.
She really did love me before, and perhaps for those 2.5 years we were really bounded by fate, but she herself decided to cut off the red strings tying us together.
I do feel sad that things had to end this way, but I feel even sadder that I have become nothing but a source of guilt that she desperately wanted to escape from.
It's true that I am hurt, but I do not regret this relationship at all. My greatest regret was causing her so much suffering when all I wanted was for her to be happy. This beautiful girl deserves to always be smiling, not frowning and crying.
I am a romanticist, and maybe I am too dramatic, but I am completely serious when I say that the one and only thing I wish for is her happiness.
She came into my boring life and brought me more happiness than I could imagine was even possible, yet all I could return her was sadness and suffering. It is only right that I exit her life so she can finally be happy again. If I can no longer bring her happiness, the least I could do was to stop bringing her unhappiness.
She was the first and only girl I loved in my life, and my most precious princess whom I loved with all my heart and soul.
I am sorry for hurting her so much. I never, ever intended to do so. I feel ashamed of myself for hurting such a lovely girl. I am the one who is incapable of love. My love can only bring pain to someone. I should never love anyone again.
When I think about how much she must hate me now, it makes me feel so miserable. Why did things have to end this way? I only wanted us to be together and overcome all obstacles with each other. When we are both old, we will read about our Love Story on this blog, hand in hand, and laugh about all the stupid things we did. Am I too naive?
I am a normal human being, and as such I feel happiness, sadness, anger, and jealousy just like everyone else. I behaved very immaturely over the breakup, and I have no excuses for that. It's the first breakup of my life, and it was especially hard on me because it came so suddenly.
I don't want her to associate me with unhappy emotions. I want her to remember me as the guy who made her laugh countless times, kissed all of her body, flew to Shanghai to take her to a doctor, wrote her a love letter that she read more than a thousand times, sang songs for her, held her hand to sleep, shared long hugs with her, played Jubeat with her, strolled on a beach on Tioman island with her, and danced with her under the moonlight in NTU. If she can't remember those things about me, I will rather she just forget about me entirely.
Before she was my girlfriend, she was my best friend. When she became my girlfriend, she was still my best friend. No one in this world wants to hurt their best friend, and I am no exception. I chose to leave her life because I didn't want to hurt my best friend anymore.
Her happiness means everything to me.
Maybe eventually all my feelings for her will disappear, and she will become just another blurry memory. By then, maybe reading this blog will only make me feel silly. For now I will cherish my memories of her; memories that all the money in the world can't buy.
Someday, somewhere, sometime, I hope we will meet each other once again. May both of us be leading happy lives and may we become best friends again, just like the way we were from August 2013 to February 2016.
Goodbye, my first love. Sorry for hurting you, and thank you for everything. I know you have a tendency to remember only the bad things, but please don't remember me as a crazy, stubborn, and obsessive boyfriend. Please remember me as the sunshine boy who liked to surprise you and make you laugh, and who loved you with all his heart. Please remember the me that you loved.
Don't blame yourself for everything that happened. I certainly don't blame you. What happened to you happened to millions of people in long distance relationships before you. If you don't see a future with me, then it's my fault, not yours.
I can't let the past go, despite your plead. The past was just too wonderful. I might never find someone so perfect for me anymore. I sincerely believed that you were The One for me.
However, I will let the future go just as you wish. I have no right to trap you in my love. Stop feeling guilty about me, and go pursue the future you desire. I wish you all the happiness you deserve.
Be true to your feelings from now on. Life is too short to be feeling sad all the time. Know that no matter what happens, I am always, always your friend.
