For the first time in my life, I felt my efforts were appreciated. Ultimately, my efforts were not good enough. When is this pattern going to end? I keep hearing " You're a doormat because you let people take advantage of you." I work my ass off and people know that and use me for it. I honestly feel deep down that some day it will pay off and someone will notice but I guess now is not the time.
I'm weak and I know I'm weak. I have an ulitmate dream for myself and all I can do is just that, dream about it. Lately, I think about it every day, and feel more and more worse about it every day. The strength of my "want" for it comes and goes. I went a good 10 years without thinking about my dream so obsessively. Now, I can't sleep and don't have an appetite because of it
. Why dont' I just go for it you ask? Because I'm a realist to a fault. I cannot go forward without a plan especially if it involves the potential to screw up not only my life but those close to me. I'm not about to risk making my family and myself homeless to persue it. As a result, I'm miserable every day. I pray for the day an opportunitly arises and I'm smart enough to grab it.