2 Am, the breeze is fine, and i just woke up.
I got a call 2 days ago to go to my lab again. The materials that my lab ordered has arrived, and tomorrow i might have to do inspection. But there's something that i have to face again like usual, the uncertainty. I am still not able to get rid of the feeling of uncertainty.
I am trying to identify how should i think and be calm about it, eventho right now i act and feel like i am calm, deep down in my head i am panicking silently. If i think about my lab and thesis, the question of uncertainty suddenly pops out. The question is just there, out of nowhere, and yes, this might be an act of frustration because i don't know how to solve it but to face that reality.
Today, i made a biggest mistake. I ran away from my lab because i was panicking inside my head that i don't know what to do, i can't prepare my mind to do what i supposed to do or what my sensei instructed me to do so. At first, i was okay because i convinced myself to go there without any problem, but after discussion with my sensei, he gave me new task that is different than i suppose to do that day or from what i thought. At that time, my i couldn't even do anything, not even thinking, everything went blank, i can't speak, i can't think, i can't even take a breath. Everything seems to stop at that moment. I am want to scream but i couldn't. What i could hear in my own head is that i want to go back home and run away from reality again. So i did, i told my sensei a lie that i have things to do that day, and will go back tomorrow. It was so hurtful, maybe my sensei put expectation that i'll do it today, but instead i ran away like a coward.
I did it again.
I ran away again from reality eventho i shouldn't.
I did whatever i can do, scream, cry, run, whatever it is to run away from this reality. But in the end i know, my prudence know that i have to face it no matter how. I couldn't run away from everything, i have to face what's comes in front of me next and i should deal with it. I guess i have no other choice but to come back and just do it without any thinking. Human brain is so fragile that it will start to shattered by a little push. And i am no exception of that.
I feel like it's collapsing and once i knew it, everything falls apart. I know everything, my prudence know everything, i know i have to keep going and going and going and just do it. If i keep doing things like this, how could i finish my duty for this research? I am tired telling myself about it, but i just couldn't help to react like that immediately prior to the event. It just, my mind won't stop and just keep doing it. I am tired of it, i am sick of myself to get panicking like that. Is it because of a trauma ? But i want to get rid of that trauma. I did what i could do. I don't know if this gonna be okay but i'll try it again tomorrow. I have no other choice.
I will start thinking that i can do it, it just a minor setback. I can endure what people will say, i can endure what will people say to me, i can endure what my mind says, even the most ridiculous and the most hurtful words i could think of. I will not stop and keep trying. That's what i suppose to say.
It's time go to sleep and face my fear again tomorrow. I will not run away twice.
Good night.