I have already accepted the ending of our story I can almost call love. Ironically, you’ve given me so much to look forward to, so much to anticipate, yet nothing to hope for at the same time. I’ve once again freed myself from you, mentally, and opened up a place I call my reality. I’ve tucked my heart back into my sleeve, but this time, I know it’ll eventually find its way back into a dark, cold place I used to store it in; a place where I thought I’ll never once again revisit.
Although a part of me believes that I came out on top, and that all is fair in love and war, the other part of me believes that there’s no chance of winning when you’re at war with love. The memories, whether they were good or bad, will always remind me of my defeat. And that shit just cuts deep. Way too deep.
The thought of you is insanity. The photographs will simply diminish as they are placed in the bottom of this big black box I store other keepsakes in; a box that will be hidden in some dark corner in my empty apartment, much like the dustiest and dirtiest corner of your soul. In other cases, a folder that will be named as “Do not open until further notice” or somehow, someday, I will find the courage to drag them to a little icon resembling a trashcan. But until then, day-by-day, you and I, and I and you, and the “we’s” and the “us”, will no longer fill my vocabulary, eventually, in my internal memory.
I thought so much for us. So much like an artist painting a perfect picture that slowly came to life. ‘Cause being with somebody like you just made me feel nothing less than alive. And dreams became nothing less than dreams, ‘cause everything felt so tangible and so vivid. Now, they’re just like any of my other visions, buried deep in my subconscious, deprived of a clue on how to unravel and unleash them for interpretation. I question sometimes if it were even real. I ask myself if we were even real.
I wonder if what we were or what happened to us is from a movie I saw and just like a little girl I used to be, I pictured myself in the shoes of the main character. Or maybe, I read it in some book - memories of waking up next to you, and then seeing that effortless smile, or maybe, it was the post it notes wishing me luck for my exam at two o’clock. It might even be the memories of our long car rides, as we listen and sing along to our song, or just staying up all night talking about… life. Our life. Or was it falling asleep holding each other’s hands? Or the way you kiss my forehead? Or as cliché as it sounds, the way you brush away that stubborn strand of my hair. Or the way you smell my hair while I try to understand the concept of dielectrics and capacitors. Or read up on your favorite phylum, cnidarian.
You always knew I was going to be somebody to you. And I always knew you were going to be somebody to me. I laid my heart on the line, played the game and I lost. Not entirely, but I knew for a fact, I didn’t win. After all, even if I accept I came out on the bottom, and that all is fair in love and war, there’s still really no chance of winning when you’re at war with love. Maybe that’s why we shouldn’t fight love. I should have known better.
Nonetheless, I realized that my heart needed to be broken. My heart needed to be set on fire so I am reminded how prevailing and resilient it is. I needed to feel alive, and you made me feel that life by devastating it. I might not understand the reason for everything, why things are the way they are and why we feel the way that we do. But eventually, somehow, I’ll be able to shed a light on what this is, or what it was. I might not be entirely sure on what this experience wants to tell me or why it needed to tell me this bad, but at the same time, I am grateful it did.
There’s nothing more than I can say but just be thankful for allowing us to cross paths and essentially gaining the courage to try and walk that trail together. I no longer have ill feelings toward you or feel the pain that used to reside in my heart. All I have is memories that will slowly, but surely, burn through and be buried deep into me, until one day, the thought of you, and the sound of your name will no longer remind me of neither the good and bad, just the recollection that we once shared moments together. And when that time comes, you’ll be nothing but a recollection, with neither pleasant nor unpleasant emotions attached to it. Simply, a recollection.
Until then, I shall continue to accept the ending of our story I can almost call love. One that once shined so bright in my heart, it burned me through the core of my entire being. The story that taught me more about myself by learning more about you, and that taught me how I deserved more, by showing me less than what I deserved.
You’re a story that taught me a great deal about friendship and the significance of family. I am thankful for you teaching me wonderful things and for showing me an amazing side of you. I hope that one day, you will find that special person who has that strength to genuinely care and love you. And when you do, I also hope that she has the heart to walk away from you, but will never do.