I get afraid

I get afraid with talking to everyone.

because I don't talk about my thoughts and stuff most of the time.

I just talk about crap, make jokes and about current happenings, which is also rare.

so I get nervous when I talk with people after a long time.

I see them and I go "hey what's up."

and then immediately after I think "aw shit, are we cool with each other? is that fake smiling? are we trying to genuinely have a conversation or is he/she just putting up with me to be polite?"

I don't know at all.

I'm no ESP.

even if I remember they've been at countless camps with me, or know me for a long time or seen me at my most shameful state, I still get that feeling.

and then I don't know what to talk to them about.

like subjects on thoughts and feelings.

so it's like a vicious cycle.

I wish humans didn't have the innate need to constantly feel like they need company and assurance.

if only we could be totally ok with solitude. constant solitude.

not the kind where you get into a phase where you don't talk to people for a couple hours/days.

just the absence of the need to communicate.