This year has been incredibly painful. I hate it to the extent where I want to break down crying in a hole. And that is something someone rarely thinks about throughout the year, or so I think. As a fourteen-year-old, you wouldn't expect someone like myself to experience such stress at such a young age. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. Perhaps I should emphasize emotionally. I just really honestly want to get over all this emotional stress. My insides are being eaten away by the pain that's constantly consuming my sanity. I, myself, don't even know what's left. What's happening to me ?! I feel as if I'm going completely crazy in the mist of my emotions. The way I can't even think straight, or the fact that at random times during the day my chest begins to ache. What is this ?! To hell with 2009 ! It started happening in January and is still reoccurring. I must be hallucinating. I hate myself. I want to cry. I want to see the person I love in pain. In pain with the same thing I'm dealing with. How selfish of me to think of something as that. I should die. To hear those sweet lips say, i love you rielle, once more would be pleasure to my ears. To hear him breathing would be my lullaby once again, making me fall asleep. Rielle you selfish bastard. I hate you.
This is what I get for letting my hopes reach too high. For letting my selfishness and my obsession take over me in less than a few hours. I knew I was going to get crushed again, I knew I what was going to happen, but it still hurts more or less. Frankly, I'd love to cry and pour my anger and rage out to someone who cares, but where in the world can someone such as myself find a person like that ? This is exactly why I want to move away from America, because my luck, as I believe, won't be as great.
I knew what what going to happen, and yet I feel for it. How idiotic and childish my me. I need to remind myself not to get too ahead of life.
To me you are everything. Everything I ever wanted and more. The more I think about the past, the more I regret ever meeting you. But I am unfortunately drawn to you such charming personality, which makes me smile at the gravest of times. I can't help but think what a mess I've brought to myself, I've created. The lust I have toward you, the feelings I feel for you, it's not something I can control. Despite how long it has been, I've never fully understood why you are still stuck in my heart. Pain enters, engulfs my mind as I think about how terrible I am to allow this thing to happen. I told my self more than frequently not to get my hopes up, not to expect anything, but I continue to fail myself. This clear and salty liquid running down my cheek is questionable, but is the answer as to why I am in so much pain. I'm helpless and wear toward you, thinking about you makes my legs quiver and my body shake uncontrolably. The crazy things I do once we started and the crazy things I did once we ended. All of it adds up to my extremely selfish behavior.
