Observations

You know... I do not understand people.

It's my room mate's life, so I have no room to say anything, but I really don't understand her. She has a paper due today or sometime this week or something like that. I'm pretty sure it's due today. She said on Friday that she'd work on it this weekend plus study for some test I think is also today. I... don't think she really did either thing.

We watched Supernatural marathon on DVD most of Saturday and then on Sunday she decided we should watch two episodes then she'd work for an hour, watch two episodes, work for an hour... Now.. I don't understand why you'd do the reward part first. In my opinion you should work two hours then watch one episode. Work first, reward yourself for the work you've done.

Still, if she'd actually done what she said she'd do, I wouldn't have a problem with it. I think she forgets that I can see her computer from where I'm sitting..... Somehow I don't think chatting on aim, making icons, looking at pictures, reading wikipedia, or reading museanon is at all helpful for writing a paper or studying for a test. She'd do that for an hour, watch two episodes while still doing all that, then going back to doing just that. I... have no idea what she got done yesterday.

Again, I wouldn't care at all except for the fact that this is the third time she's attempted college since I've been living with her. Really, the only reason she's able to pay her bills right now is because she's getting money from the government to go to school. And who gives money to the government? Tax paying citizens. Like... Me? I don't want to see her fuck things up YET AGAIN. She's very good at it though.

The girl is 30 years old now. When is she going to grow the hell up?

Lightning.. has just struck my brain.

Tonight I am reminded, oddly enough, of a fall night when I was 15. I don't really know why; it just has that feel. No night in particular.. but right now has that same sort of quietness about it I only ever got when laying in the middle of the driveway looking up at the stars.

My room mate is out getting drunk again with an old friend of hers. I think she's disappointed that I didn't come with her, but I think she forgets I'm not at all like her. I enjoy being by myself. She forgets that I really would rather spend my day in my room than sitting out in the living room with her. The only reason I do is because she whines at me when I don't. I love her as a friend and all, but my life is never mine when she's around.

If I could go back and do my life over, I wonder if I could change it. I know people say they'd go back and fix this or that, but if they didn't know what the future would be like and they went back, would they just repeat the same things over again? I feel like a shitty person when I think about it... If I could go back, I think I'd never have switched high schools. Yes, I would never have met some people, but other things would be different as well.

The reason I switched.. is a little complicated. I told everyone it was because the school was a better one, I could get a better education. My sister was being bullied there and I needed to go protect her. When people told me to stay, that they'd miss me, I told them I couldn't, that I had to go. Truth is I never had to go. I chose to. Yes, all those reason were true, but only partially. I switched schools not to go to the second one, but to leave the first. Yes, it WAS too easy for me and the second school would be a challenge, but.. I ran away. I had friends I was getting too close to so I ran away. Military families move all the time so nothing was supposed to stay the same. We'd already been there for 6 years... I wanted to hurt. I wanted to feel that loneliness that comes with leaving the people you care about. Whenever anything was difficult, I ran away.

I always run away whenever anything difficult comes along. And I always end up paying for it.. My family moved right when I graduated high school. Technically we could have moved before then, but my mom wanted us to finish out the year first. Dad DID move, but he came back for my graduation. I didn't want to move... I didn't have to. Mom said I could stay, but I'd have to go to college and live in the dorms. Those were her rules. So... I moved. I said I had no choice, but.. I did. I could have gone to college. I could have lived in the dorms. I just didn't want to. It cost me my relationship with two dear friends at the time. Things got rough at work, so I quit. It ended up costing me friendships as well as my income, which caused me to spiral out of control financially and I ended up with huge debt problems. I'm finally getting myself out of it (I'll be done in December, yay!) but it's been a little over 6 years since then.

I'm torn right now... Do I really want to move out, or is that just me wanting to run away? Do I want to stay so I don't hurt my roomie's feelings or because I'm afraid if I leave I'm just running away? Or do I really want to stay? If I do stay, will my life ever be my own? Or is this what my life really is and I just wish it wasn't my own so I have some sort of excuse as to why I'm not happy?

I don't have any answers.

I have no one to bounce these things off of either. But.. that IS my fault and I know it.

Some of us are just made to be solitary. That line sounds good, doesn't it? If that was a true statement, I wouldn't be thinking about the past so much, regretting not doing things or wishing I'd done things differently. I wouldn't be trying to look up old friends on facebook.

Oh well. I'm not getting anywhere with this.

Random..

I just got off the phone with a parent.. She was so nice, super sweet, and she had the CUTEST!!! voice I've ever heard. The other day I had a parent call and I couldn't place his accent. It definitely wasn't British or anything else over there, but it wasn't quite Australian. Thanks to a friend from high school, I would have been able to pick out a South African one, but this guy's? No idea.