お久しぶりです！生きてます笑
Hello! I'm alive!
双子が生まれてから一か月ちょっと経ちましたが、ようやく慣れてきてルーティンも作れてきました。
It's been a little over a month since the twins were born, and we've finally started to establish a routine.
一か月健診も無事終わり、先日お宮参りにも行ってきましたが、外出はやっぱりまだ慣れず、自宅に帰るころにはへとへとです・・
The one-month checkup went smoothly, and we also went to a local shrine for "Omiyamairi." But we were not used to going out with the girls, so by the time we got home, I was completely exhausted...
子供たちが生まれる前はたくさんリサーチして、「こういう育児をするんだ！」と張り切ってかなり細かいプランを立てていましたが、今となるとなんてアンビシャスだったんだと笑えてきます
Before the babies were born, I did a lot of research, made a very detailed plan, and was so excited and determined to follow it. But now I look back at my past self and laugh at how ambitious I was...
特に最初の方は思い描いていた通りに全然いかず、焦ったりイライラしたり自分を責めたりしていました。
Especially in the beginning, things didn’t go at all the way I had imagined. I felt frustrated, anxious, and often blamed myself.
帝王切開で生みましたが、出血量が通常より多かったのと、麻酔の副作用で一日に何度も吐いてしまい、術後何日かは自分の体を思うように動かせず、赤ちゃんたちに母乳を上手くあげられなくて、それがすごくすごく悔しくて、情けない気持ちにもなりました。
I gave birth via C-section, and during the surgery, I actually lost more blood than what is considered normal. On top of that, due to the side effects of the anesthesia, I was vomiting several times a day. So for the first few days after the surgery, I couldn’t move my body as I wanted, and I struggled to breastfeed the babies. It was incredibly frustrating and made me feel so helpless and ashamed.
その罪悪感から夜も赤ちゃんたちを新生児室に預けずに一人で頑張ろうとしましたが、まだ体が回復していないので上手くいくわけがなく、悪循環。
Because of that guilt, I decided not to put the babies in the newborn nursery at night and tried to manage everything on my own with both girls. But since my body hadn’t fully recovered yet, it's no surprise that I had trouble taking care of two babies at once, and I got stuck in a vicious cycle of things not going well and blaming myself.
そんな時に助産師さんの一人が私を見て、「完璧を目指してない？無理無理！完璧なお母さんなんていないから。」と言ってくれて、今思えば本当に当たり前のことなんですが、その言葉を聞いてふっと肩の力が抜けました。
But then, one of the midwives saw me and said, 'Are you aiming for perfection? Not possible! There’s no such thing as a perfect mom.' In hindsight, it’s such an obvious thing, but hearing those words helped me to let go of some of the pressure I had placed on myself.
その助産師さんのアドバイスのもと、まずは一人を新生児室に預けてもう一人と夜を過ごしてみて、自信をつけることにしました。一人の赤ちゃんと過ごす夜は思っていた以上に静かで、寝息や小さな動きにいちいちドキドキしながらも、その静けさの中で生まれてからはじめて自分の子供とちゃんと落ち着いた気持ちで向き合えている実感がありました。
After discussing with the midwife, I decided to start by sending one baby to the nursery and spending the night with the other to build some of my confidence. The night with just one baby was quieter than I had expected. Even though I was nervous every time I heard her breathing quicken or her jittery movements, I felt that for the first time since their birth, I was able to face my baby calmly and appreciate her with a sense of peace.
次の夜から二人と一緒に過ごすようになりましたが、心に余裕ができた状態で頑張ることができました。もちろん大変でしたし、二人が交互に泣くからほとんど眠れなかったけど、それでも「なんとか乗り切った！」と思えたその小さな達成感が、私にとっては大きな前進でした。
From the next night, I had both babies in the room with a calmer mindset. Of course it was tough, and with the babies crying one after the other, I hardly got any sleep. Still, the small sense of accomplishment I felt when I made it through the night was a big step forward for me.
退院してからも「完璧を目指さない、頑張りすぎない、自分やパートナーも大切に」をモットーにやっています。
Since leaving the hospital, my motto has continued to be: don’t aim for perfection, don’t overdo it, and don't forget to take care of myself and my partner.
上手くいかないことは山ほどあります。母乳の出が悪い。一人は飲むのが遅く授乳中よく寝てしまうので、気を付けてないとすぐ体重が減ってしまう（ベビー用体重計をレンタルしてます）。もう一人は抱き癖がついてしまい、抱っこしてないと日中は全く寝てくれないし、おろすとすぐ泣くし、おしゃぶりも拒否するし…。
Still, there are countless things that don't go well. My milk production isn’t great. One baby is slow to feed and often falls asleep while nursing, so I have to be careful or her weight drops quickly (I keep track with a baby scale I rented). The other baby has developed a habit of being held—if someone isn't holding her, she won’t sleep at all during the day, and as soon as she is put down she starts wailing. To make matters worse, she also refuses any kind of paci...
そして双子育児の場合、赤ちゃんが二人いるからといって体力や気力が奇跡的に二倍になるわけではなく、限られたキャパを二人に分けて使わなければいけない分、それぞれに十分に構ってあげられないというもどかしさがあり、それが辛く感じることもあります。
And in the case of twins, I learned that just because there are two babies, it doesn’t mean that my energy and stamina miraculously double. With the limited capacity I have, I have to divide it between both of them, and it’s tough not being able to give them each the full attention they deserve.
一人だったらもっと丁寧にやれることを、もう一人が起きてしまう前に！という焦りからつい雑にやってしまったり手早く済ませることを優先してしまったり、どちらか一方に偏ってしまう場面がどうしても出てきます。
Things I could do with more care and attention with just one baby often get rushed or done more haphazardly because I’m trying to get everything done before the other one wakes up. It's hard to treat them equally and spend the same exact amount of time with each.
なかなか理想通りにはいかないですが、自分を責めてもしかたない・・「それでも大丈夫」と思えるようになってきました。悩みひとつひとつに対して、少しでも前に進める方法を試しながら向き合っています。
It doesn't always go as I want, but there's no point in blaming myself. I’m starting to accept that it's okay if things don't go as planned. Instead of trying to solve everything perfectly, I'm trying to look for ways to take small steps forward.
例えばそれぞれに十分にかまってあげられないという悩みに対しては、私とパートナーが最近始めたのが、夕方ごろから寝室とリビングにわかれて、それぞれが一人の赤ちゃんと一晩過ごすということです。
For example, in terms of not being able to give each baby enough attention, my partner and I have recently started splitting up around the evening, with one of us spending the night with one baby in the bedroom and the other with the other baby in the living room.
毎日はできないですし、非効率ではありますが、それでも一人としっかり向き合える時間を持つことができ、100％かまってあげられるので、その子の新しい表情や行動の変化などの成長に気づける貴重な時間になっています。こんな感じに自分たちのペースで試行錯誤しながら進めばいいのかなと、最近は思えるようになってきました。
We can’t do this every day, and it’s not the most efficient solution, but it’s given us time to fully focus on one baby. Since I can give the baby I'm with 100% of my attention, I can more easily notice their growth and changes in their expressions and behaviors. I’ve come to accept doing things at our own pace, learning and experimenting as we go.
長くなりましたが・・育児って本当に毎日が予想外の連続で、うまくいかないことの方が多い気がしますが、日々なんとか頑張ってるなと自分を褒めることも忘れずに、楽しみたいと思います！
It’s been a long post, but... parenting is really a series of unexpected events every day, and sometimes it feels like there are more things that don’t go well than things that do. But I’m going to try to remember to give myself a pat on the back for getting through each day and enjoy this time I have with the girls!
Have a lovely day!