Truly I am thankful to my internet friends.
Yes I have my childhood best friend and 2 best friends in real life and we've been together for like 2 years but the help that my intenet friends to me are incomparable.
I don't know, maybe because they haven't met me in person and they have no idea how I look nor what my social status in life is that's why they have nothing to judge me but my attitude alone? That's what I've been thinking why they made friends of me so I am keeping things as it is, for now. I don't know if they'll change their thoughts towards me when they met me but for now, I want to cherish these moments of having a place where I am comfortable and I think I can call it home.
Venting out
I am really a no special person. People only remembers me if they need something from me. Even from the people that I thought were my friends, I can still feel that I do not belong to any. I am interactive to them so I think there's no reason to not know my presence but still I get the same treatment. Maybe because I am in the lower class in the society? I have no enough money to bring them to eat outside or give them gifts whatsoever? I know seeking acceptance is not important but I can't deny my sensitive self.
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I know no man is an island and everyone needs each other but I don't think that can be applied in my case. I am doing my best, working hard to learn and become better but even my teacher in intrument did not ackowledged me. My 2 best friends were already together longer than I met them, they always talk to something that I cannot relate and I have no right to restrict them so I'll just step out. There are so much things that made me feel out of the circle that I can barely recall but the only person that I can rely always is my sister but there are things that things work in a way that will made my sensitive self come out from the shell where I always kept. Me who is weak and wants to seek a help isn't acknowledged by the people in my environment and since people only come to me for help, I have to do things alone. But I want to grow and get out to this place where I am restrained even if it means of doing things by myself. I don't want to vent to my friends in real life because I don't want to be laughed at. I don't also want to bother my internet friends because they have their own problem maybe worse than mine so I don't want them to think lots of things especially to my nonsense sensitivity. But yeah, last night I cried to God and released all my displeasure so I guess I am not alone. I cry to God because I know He knows what I feel and He won't complain and won't be bothered if I cry to Him all night. LOL
I have so much words to say that were locked up in me that I am not able to express and I want to release them all but this is how far I can say.
I might be cringing at this when I'll read this in the future but I am glad I am able to release half of my feelings.
Tonight, I will cry again to God.