For the first time in my life I have to accept I am having major body dysmorphia issues. I won’t go into details as to why.
I have been obsessively measuring every part of my body. From my forehead to my feet to my neck and my stomach and my back and other things I won’t go into. For some reason it has become completely impossible to accept myself as for who I am. I have been spending a lot of time recently looking at pictures of other people and comparing myself. I probably spend hours and hours daily doing that. It’s a sort of humiliation ritual i suppose.
As a result I have the strongest desire to starve myself. To eat nearly nothing. I’ve been struggling to do that and it is for some reason very heavily affecting me. I have been thinking about starting to puke up I eat.. I have just been so humiliated. Not really sure what else to do. I’m realizing how ugly I am. I always felt ugly, but it seems now it’s really the truth.
I have been struggling w this stuff for a while. I am not comfortable blogging it anymore but blogging helps me feel better and I’m trying to be confident. But I’m basically nothing right now still.
I don’t want any major concerns about what I’m talking about here though. I know this is wrong in spite of my brain for some reason thinking it’s right. I’m working on it with my therapist. Maybe I’ll actually get a haircut today..
My body fat is at 21.6%, I feel I have way more though.. I’m going to buy a smart scale and see. For some reason I just feel never enough. I’d like to get to 15% body fat, or ideally between 12%. I’d also like to get to about 163 pounds. I’m going to buy some home gym equipment from a nearby store that has actually really good stuff and focusing on this for a while. And also eating the bare minimum I can. I need to try to approach this issue with myself positively. I guess I’ll try my best. I don’t know.
Anyways I’ve been listening to $0 constantly. It makes me cry everyday. I feel so empty at this point. I’m excited to exercise at home. And go for walks. I’m trying to tell myself to be strong. It’s hard sometimes. Ok I’m going to try to have a good day now.
