Today was exhausting frankly. My mom and I had such a long and terrible argument and then my sister joined in.. it really couldn’t have been worse. I felt terrible after and wanted to just run away. I wonder how much of my life is running away? If I had the strength to face things head on I like to think I would, but I see facing things head on as only a quicker path to being pushed to the ground.. at least running away I’m able to keep standing up.. even if it’s from somewhere far away, somewhere I shouldn’t even be standing.. at least I am standing instead of being pushed to the ground trying to stand up to a pain larger than me.
Still I was standing after running away and got some fast food and went to the movies. In that way things turned around, even just 30 degrees from my lowest point of the day, at least things turned up north just that slight bit.
In pattern with what I’ve been doing my whole life. Here’s some plans for tomorrow.
Firstly, this week I have to take my dad somewhere faraway at some point to a government building for something, sooner rather than later. I also need to put my dog down this week I think.. no one in my family wants to bother with it, so everyone wants me to go do it. I’ll probably go Friday.. I also want to schedule a therapist appointment if possible, but I’ll see, and I also want to apply for many jobs. My mom is in a very bad emotional spot. It seems all she talks about is wanting to harm herself.. it’s starting to traumatize me frankly and it’s putting a lot of pressure on me.. and my stepdad is getting laid off soon so we lost our house and have to move somewhere. I see I’ve gone on a tangent like usual..
I’m trying to focus on what’s in my control. I need to apply for many jobs, as many as I can. I want to gym tomorrow and game and read. I will take my dad to the government place Tuesday. I’ll handle things with my mom Wednesday.
I’ll put my dog down Friday (there’s a chance I won’t be able to stomach that and will skip it again like usual, but my family is pushing me to do it). To focus on being anchored down to something that keeps me up, I’ll try to listen to lots of music.
That’s the plan for tomorrow. Game, read, gym, work, lots of job applications. I’ll try my best. I’ll update too how the day goes.