A goldfish in a tank

Last 2 weeks I was feeling really lost and down all of a sudden. It wasn't as if anything happened.

I just woke up one fine morning and decided that I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to go to work(anymore), I don't want to want to talk or see anything. So I called in sick.

I got so fed up when the work emails kept coming in though I was supposed to be resting at home that I just off the power for all the mobile devices.

This went on for 2 days.

I was finally back at work on the third day and then had to work OT throughout the week to catch up on stuff... But strangely I felt better at work. At least I had something to do and had a purpose.

Then it hit me... I think I was lacking purpose in life.

I picked up the book "Purpose Driven Life"given to me as a present on my 21st Birthday. A book I never read beyond the first 5 days....

Then I started praying... and then I saw a image of a gold-fish swimming in a fish tank. The gold-fish had nowhere else to go except to keep swimming within the 4 walls of the tanks.

I really felt that way, felt that work, people. expectations, personal desires and whatsoever was closing down on me and I had no way out of the tank...

But as I prayed on.. I felt God asking me, so what do you want to do if you can actually get out? Where will you go? What do you see yourself doing?

I had no answers...

Then I felt God saying, a goldfish exists in the tank mainly not because it was trapped there and had no choice to move forward.

It, even in its small compound exists to bring pleasure and joy to the people around it who comes to gaze at it. So it is the same for us, sometimes we do not know where is the next destination nor seems to be trap in the same place but that's alright, just continue to shine and fufill your purpose where ever you are.

A profound truth. But yes, we shine can and was made to shine for God whenever and in whatever situation we are in.

A simple seemingly innocent white lie

I think I am really guilty of it... It really serves as the convenient way out sometimes.

For eg, when you want to turn down a appointment, you can use catching a cold as an excuse...

I used to do it unknowingly without batting an eyelid using work especially as an excuse for being too busy.

But somehow, I don't even know when and why myself, I started feeling uncomfortable doing this now.

I find myself editing and erasing my emails at times to people serveral times because I struggle with what to say. I find myself erasing all that is not the whole truth but serves only as an excuse.

But while I want to give tell them the truth, I also want to explain myself with tact and gentleness so not as to hurt their feelings.

But I think the uncomfortableness is good. I believe Jesus will do the same thing just that He is probably smarter so He can write replies faster and not edit several times like me.

Quoting TPL: May God's wisdom be upon me as I do so with His love, tact and gentleness.

Moving forward

Yesterday I went for my driving lessons and due to some admin problems I wasn’t ( as usual) allowed to choose instructor but was assigned one not of my choice.

And to my greatest dismay… it was an instructor I have always been trying to avoid.

I had never had him for practical but only theory before. But during lessons, he spends like 90% of the time talking about his own stories of witnessing accidents on the roads, talks about how he can’t stand the attitude of some students or how some people are just not fit to drive etc….

I know that we need to hear the “other side” of the story which is other than the convenience cars brings, it also has the potential to kill and affect the lives of people directly involved and not involved vastly.
But I always felt that it should not be based just solely on fear. Like we know we shouldn’t commit crimes not because of the consequences it brings (being jailed etc) but most importantly to integrity and sense of responsibility in our actions.

I really don’t agree with his way of trying to “scare” students into dropping driving or to make everyone nervous on the roads as to drive well.

At least for me, when I am nervous I think I drive really badly.

In fact he made me so nervous; he was really pretty cold right from the start that I think I never had such an unpleasant time ever in my driving lessons. I usually look at the clock in the car several times to see how much more I can drive each time because I enjoy it a lot and want to do as much as possible. But yet yesterday, I was looking at it and checking how much more I have to drive so as to end the lesson quick.

I think all of us have different ways of learning… I looked at myself and I think I am the type who needs a lot of assurance and encouragement. I.e if I am doing well, please tell me so verbally (not over) so that I will know I am going the right way. And even if I am not, I think I work best when people tell me in a nice tone how to bridge that gap and not to just say, you didn’t do that, you did that badly….

In the end… he left quite a trauma on me… that I really felt I couldn’t even look at his face. In fact I didn’t even want to go driving this week just to give myself a break.

But… I was really inspired by a 70 yr old-still-in-action dancer. She is already 70 and is still dancing professionally! She did a jazz number and I was really impressed by her style and flexibility!

She said something really inspiring, “As long as you persevere and continue to work hard, you will definitely move forward and get somewhere.”

I am definitely not going to give up because of someone unpleasant. In fact I have to work harder to overcome those “mistakes”. A

And how can I forget that there is no problem too big and mountain too tall for God.

God I am handing my unpleasant experience, trauma, shortcomings and fear all into your hands. I remember our covenant which I pray every day that I will become a driver who will not harm but bless the roads and the multitudes of people who come my way.

I keep this promise in my heart and I pray you will bring me through even when my spirit is weak.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.