So... The reason I'm writing this is to calm myself down, and reflect and rationalize the events that happened.
Today, I suffered a defeat, but it's a very special type of defeat. It's the kind of defeat that, maybe at some point in the future I'll look at it, and what I'll see is a great victory. It's the kind of defeat where I can hold my head up high and be proud of what I've done. But right now, I'm too anxious to do that. Right now, I'm feeling way too restless to do anything. So, what actually happened?
Basically, while it's not as bad as social suicide, I did pretty much brand myself as the uncool guy in university. It's pretty close to social suicide hey, at least it has a good chance of throwing out the window all the relationships I've built in Uni until now. I basically branded myself as the stuck-up idiot. Well, maybe not idiot, but definitely stuck-up. Why? Because that's what I believed I should have done. Fuck, to be honest with you, I felt like doing something like this would feel good eventually, but right now it's absolutely terrible.
But maybe, as I realize why I did it, I'll feel better about myself.
Though it was always unlikely, I am the type of person who always considers the worst case scenario, and here that was becoming a social outcast. I've been alone before, I know what it means to feel lonely, I've felt that pain, and that's why I had decided to work hard on socializing. And what I did today could have thrown all I did out the window and put me back on square zero.
You see, on the 4th of October, I failed to do something I set myself to do: shout with everything I've got in a public space. Why? Because Adachi did it, and because it was a way for me to remind myself of what was truly important. I did shout, in front of the entrance to my classroom, but it was only afterwards that I realized that what Adachi did was on another level from what I did, and that she shouted with all her heart. What's the difference? One of us broke the huge glass wall that is fear, the other didn't. For Adachi, that was confronting Shimamura, for me, it was social relationships. I had decided to do it in order to prove myself that even if I end up being alone for some more time, the important thing was that I didn't care what people thought of me, and that the important part was that I'd be myself no matter what, and wouldn't lie to my heart.
I failed to do it.
As such, I'm going to have to break that wall piece by piece, part by part, patiently over time. Whenever a situation like this comes up, I have to try and find the courage to listen to my heart, even if it means being alone. I can't always do it of course, I've failed more times than I can count, but I've also succeeded a couple times. This is the first big win of that kind, but it sure doesn't feel like a victory.
Sigh, I thought I'd feel better by writing this down, but I'm still a bit anxious. Oh well, this is how life is. Plus, it's extremely unlikely I'll end up an outcast or whatnot. I hope. Joking, I won't hope for anything in particular, I did what I did knowing what the worst consequences were, so I'll stay true to that until the end.
Maybe this will pay off one day? Maybe, let's call it an investment...
I can tell you of some interests it's giving though: next time, it might be easier for you to be yourself. Possibly.
In any case, that's it for now. This is actually the first time something worthy of doing a blog comes up, isn't it? Nah, not really. Well, see ya then
Today, I suffered a defeat, but it's a very special type of defeat. It's the kind of defeat that, maybe at some point in the future I'll look at it, and what I'll see is a great victory. It's the kind of defeat where I can hold my head up high and be proud of what I've done. But right now, I'm too anxious to do that. Right now, I'm feeling way too restless to do anything. So, what actually happened?
Basically, while it's not as bad as social suicide, I did pretty much brand myself as the uncool guy in university. It's pretty close to social suicide hey, at least it has a good chance of throwing out the window all the relationships I've built in Uni until now. I basically branded myself as the stuck-up idiot. Well, maybe not idiot, but definitely stuck-up. Why? Because that's what I believed I should have done. Fuck, to be honest with you, I felt like doing something like this would feel good eventually, but right now it's absolutely terrible.
But maybe, as I realize why I did it, I'll feel better about myself.
Though it was always unlikely, I am the type of person who always considers the worst case scenario, and here that was becoming a social outcast. I've been alone before, I know what it means to feel lonely, I've felt that pain, and that's why I had decided to work hard on socializing. And what I did today could have thrown all I did out the window and put me back on square zero.
You see, on the 4th of October, I failed to do something I set myself to do: shout with everything I've got in a public space. Why? Because Adachi did it, and because it was a way for me to remind myself of what was truly important. I did shout, in front of the entrance to my classroom, but it was only afterwards that I realized that what Adachi did was on another level from what I did, and that she shouted with all her heart. What's the difference? One of us broke the huge glass wall that is fear, the other didn't. For Adachi, that was confronting Shimamura, for me, it was social relationships. I had decided to do it in order to prove myself that even if I end up being alone for some more time, the important thing was that I didn't care what people thought of me, and that the important part was that I'd be myself no matter what, and wouldn't lie to my heart.
I failed to do it.
As such, I'm going to have to break that wall piece by piece, part by part, patiently over time. Whenever a situation like this comes up, I have to try and find the courage to listen to my heart, even if it means being alone. I can't always do it of course, I've failed more times than I can count, but I've also succeeded a couple times. This is the first big win of that kind, but it sure doesn't feel like a victory.
Sigh, I thought I'd feel better by writing this down, but I'm still a bit anxious. Oh well, this is how life is. Plus, it's extremely unlikely I'll end up an outcast or whatnot. I hope. Joking, I won't hope for anything in particular, I did what I did knowing what the worst consequences were, so I'll stay true to that until the end.
Maybe this will pay off one day? Maybe, let's call it an investment...
I can tell you of some interests it's giving though: next time, it might be easier for you to be yourself. Possibly.
In any case, that's it for now. This is actually the first time something worthy of doing a blog comes up, isn't it? Nah, not really. Well, see ya then