2：Criticizing about Journal #1 and about myself

　In the Journal #1, I wrote about life by assimilating it to a river. I think this similitude is not so bad, but idea was poor. I could not write persuasive sentences to make readers to think. Besides, I didn't take enough time to think about "life", then that journal seems to be written by green kid. Well, it's true. I don't think I could write better ideas if I spend more times to think about life. I could have written more grammatically constructed sentences, but I couldn't write refined ideas. This is due to my poor experiences and youth, I guess. Then, to tell about life, I need to think, feel, and love more about various things.

　I judge I'm not an impressible person. I don't think that exciting thing which many people say so is exciting, sorrowful thing which many people feel so is sorrowful, and funny thing which many people laugh is funny. It seems that I'm a contrary person, but I don't think I'm an one. Now I analyze myself, and I found the event which could have made me insensitive.

　The event happened on March, 1999. Straightly speaking, my father died at that time. He was not at home many times, but he worked hard. I couldn't spend many times with he, but sometimes he drove me around, he played with me, and he laughed with me. I didn't know much about him, but I was really proud of him.

　However, he didn't came back. I cried on his wake(day before the funeral) although I swore not to cry since I have two younger sister and sorrowful mother. However, I could not bear with my emotion. I cried all the day with my memories about my father. "My father should  be at home, and eating dinner at that day. But he died. He will not be here from tomorrow." Thinking this bring me a despair, and I couldn't stop crying.

　After the funeral, I decided not to cry anymore. I have two sisters and mother and I'm an only man in my home, so I need to support them. This decision made me stubborn, and it might led me an insensitive person.

　I don't regret my decision, but I think it makes my life monotonous. Spending times takes back smiles to our family, but it's not enough to cure our heart. No, our heart will not cure perfectly. Now I think that not feeling things seems like escaping from the fact. But the door on my heart is really heavy and I cannot open all of it. What I need to do is facing with the fact, and considering I'm not the one who grieves about losing him. I need to be strong mentally.