仕方ないじゃない・・・
こういう人生を歩んでしまったことも、今困難な局面にあるのも、ブランクが空いてしまったのも、
No matter how many times I regret,
No matter how much I think back,
I cannot make any sense out from this 12 years
I cannot really get what is wrong
しょうがないじゃない・・・
人には理解できなくても、私にとってはようやく少しはまともに生きられるようになったんだから
今まで支配していたdistorted way of thinking is not around me anymore
Well I still get severely depressed, but I think that is different
I wish I could forget about these 12 years and resume myself as who I exactly was but that does not happen
他人には普通に見えても、何もわからなくても、
私は知っている
自分が摂食障害になったことも、all those feelings that I used to get from ED
I know it
My brain remembers
だから難しい
今の私は摂食障害から抜け出しているとは思うけれど、but still when I feel bad that is just the same feeling as when I was ED.
摂食障害が「完治した」なんて言える時なんて来なくて、
it seems like it is always here, threatening me..., trying to bring me down to ED again.
悪い感情の処理の仕方が問題
And, that is what exactly I have to work on,
しょうがないじゃない・・・
いつだって、ここからやり直すしかないんだから
I don' know what my future is going to be...
It is just sad that I still don't know who I am and what I really want.
Mom... you cannot blame on this.
cuz you did not help me when I really needed one.
You don't understand anything.
Nobody understands how deep it is
Do you think it is easy?
Oh, I wish it was easy...
Then, probably I would had so much fun by now...
I am still miserable...
This misery, emptiness, and loneliness, is just really hard to let go.
What I really wish is one day I woke up and those negative feelings will be all gone
but that will NOT happen
so I just have to face the reality.
I still cannot figure out how I can get rid of these feelings.
But just trying to move on with my life so that I can figure out something.