ふぇ～
今日はできるだけ、はっきり、しゃっきり
あの時の気持ちを書くよう頑張りました
いつも、アメリカ君に
わかんね～よ的に言われるってこともあるし
自分の思っていたことを
はっきり口に出してみるってぇのも
大事かなって思ったからです
英語は、ストレートな言葉や表現をとるから
気持ちを整理したり、記録したりするには
向いています
幸せだな～
こんな風に一つ一つの
出来事を 自分の好きな言葉や
表現で 形にできるなんて
（とは言うものの、だめだめ、へたへた
くそ～で、がっくり、が～んでありますが）
そして みなさまが
少しでも ほんのちょっとでも
楽しんでくだされば～
ほんとに、ほんとに 嬉しい～です
遠い空の下で
きっと頑張っているでありましょう
Hide 君にも、感謝の気持ちで一杯です
それでは
E-version Mie (21) お届けで～す
三毛猫詩人より
Mie (21) End of Love
I was not sure how my love for him died (or did it really die?). Yet, the yellow traffic light had been flickering in my heart. Undoubtedly it was green for a while, but it did not take much time to turn to yellow, and at last to red.
The beacon on the squad car flashed, and a voice from the loudspeaker blared, “You must stop, right now!” The fire siren wailed.
As he had planned, Hide came to my house and met my mother. After carefully choosing his words, he said to her, “I would like to share my future life with your daughter.”
There might have been a better way for him to project his life with me, but as it was, no words touched either my heart or my mum’s, in any way. My mother told me afterwards that there seemed to be some differences between Hide and me.
She was right. There was already a distance between us, which I had no intention to bridge over. Every night, before I closed my eyes in bed, a malicious devil (or a holy angel? Who knows?) would ask me,
“Is this what you really want? Don’t you think that Hide wants you to make up for his loss of Kanako? Haven’t you seen him sobbing for her?” Even now, I remember these words from my speculations of that moment.
Surely, there was a time, though, when I felt that we had something in common. He was a man who was very often able to impress me with his knowledgeable intelligence.
However, he talked too much, was too honest (or, too inconsiderate) in telling me about his romance with Kanako, (which means a child of money in Japanese, by the way!), and in disclosing the unnecessary details. This killed my budding affection for him in due course.
I am not saying that guys (and, we woman as well) should keep our former romances completely secret, because all of us are living with memories.
However, I would not particularly respect those who refer to their former romances unduly: their names, what you did with them, and how much you were in love with them, etc. I might be wrong, but I would find them excessively optimistic and unwise, sorry to say!
In the end, I did not return calls from him, starting from the day that I said good bye to him in Shibuya. I was supposed to feel happy being with him, but I wasn’t, because the image of Hide in Kanako’s room was almost always on my mind.
His smile, warm arms and sophisticated (and only sometimes witty) conversations did not reassure me of his love. They did not help me to convince myself that I wanted him.
At the back seat of the bus that took me home, I was crying. Please don’t blame me for not telling him directly, “I am not going to see you again.” I was weak and afraid of facing reality.
Rather, I tried to make myself believe that this was one of the events that we must go through in our lives, but I now know that it was unlike any other experience in my life. Only if he had dealt with his issue on his own, he could have put the ring on my wedding finger.
連絡してこないってひどいんじゃない？（ごめんちゃい）