Just to remember…
Dec 9-10th. Things were not going the best of late. Must admit that it was getting better than before, but still the hiccups here and there were happening.
It seems like we have reached another point where a big growth is needed. We’re at the 4 months point, but it does seem so much longer than that. Any normal couple at 4 months would still be exploring how to get to know the other’s hobbies and enjoying a drive here and there. Some couples may think about taking the next step, as it may all seem right. For us, we are somewhere in between. I feel like I have gotten to know you and we have approached our relationship in such a deep way from the beginning. In some ways, things have been taken way slow. In others, we’ve dove head first into the depths of each other.
Looking over what we talked about this weekend. Once again the topic of communication. Assumptions and everything else. But I do feel that we are starting to create that gel. I feel that we actually started creating the gel from last week.
After our time in Bali, there was much taught. Much experienced and much growth we had together. Two major fights, but from those, we did become much closer. That is my thought and I keep positive, even though the time spent to fix things was enormous.
What happened over the two months after bali is we somehow got into a sort of groove… less questioning and sharing from my side. Also, I became a little silent when things were done for me. the appreciation for you driving me home or making arrangements just didn’t reach. Didn’t reach your heart, causing a pain that shouldn’t have been. If I put this into an example, me almost expecting you to take me home via car (though I always appreciated it) was missing one major component—watching out for your condition as well. I had bad timing for talks, selfish want to create our own world (thru time in your car) and little time to get a hug. But what were you getting out of any of this?? Not fair.
That was a smaller example, but there were others as well. I think that my desires/ wants started hitting deeper. Especially in the pocket book. Talk about thanksgiving, winter, ring, wedding, living together… it’s like I was asking for it all… absolutely unfair. And you know what? You never told me no to anything… sometimes timing was a question, but nevertheless, each time you somehow kept me on that, yes, one day. I can absolutely see how you were saying that you liked to be one that caused pain to yourself (sado dakke?). I can see how struggling with all those times and asking yourself was it worth it could have come about.
And to top it all off, I would get into that state. The one that would come about when I would see only partially the picture. I would start crying and try to cancel all of something, such as the trip to Michigan. I can see now, hellooooooo all of the effort involved and just canceling at the end is just so stupid of an option. Yes, I didn’t look at the big picture. Was just too focused on lessening the pain you were going through. and that was pain that had already been delegated to you, so no point in trying to get rid of something that had already done damage. Same case with the Thailand trip. I do understand how you were able to struggle and tell me “we are going through the same thing again, Liz”. Of course you were going to get impatient. But from my side I partially didn’t understand the impatience because once again, was only focused on the point of lessening the pain on your wallet instead of seeing the effort, time and work we did together on that.
Now in between all of this, you were also able to find things such as the way I take care of my place, the way I have lived that you seriously disagreed with. All reason more to not enjoy things. In the beginning, we had so many times where our tastes were the same, but suddenly, that seems to have changed. So, if we look at the first couple of months, comparing it to the last couple of months, it is a recipe of unhappiness! Daily life similarities replaced by confusing a mess of clutter and differences. Real growth from questions and sharing had been moved to assumptions and silence. I had thought that I was continuing to share, but it was a one sided sharing, not able to see all. I thought that I was able to see your heart, but really it was not completely being taken care of. And that is the most important!
I don’t know… maybe this time to reflect was missed the entire time. What I can tell you is the above. Share with you that I see not only each of the points but also how they added up together. I was telling myself I was stupid or being angry with myself for isolated incidents, but this big big picture was being missed.
I actually do not know what your reaction would be to this mail. Usually, your reaction to my mails can go two ways. 1. you don’t have a point, what’s your point? 2. the famous ‘no decoder needed’
So, I guess I will summarize to keep your mental strength needed to a minimum.
- Over the last couple months, I have been sharing less, asking less about you.
- At the same time, I was demanding more in terms of future commitments.
- We continued to learn about each other, but I think the ‘gel-ing’ process may have not been there at times.
- I can now see how much I was demanding, and how I lacked in communicating my appreciation & caring to you.
- My style was to try to fix smaller issues, and became blind to seeing the big picture. My caring focused in the wrong areas.
- With all of this, we also began to find more differences, and negatives with these.
- I thought that I was taking care of you, but my approach was not touching your heart, nor was I properly taking care of it.
Next steps? Solutions?
I need to understand what could have been done better. I think that a basic in all of it was what we have been saying as lack of communication. Me always saying I understand but hurting you in the end through repetition.
Other areas is I want to continue to try to develop where you can feel my caring for you. I want to be a partner where there is no question in you mind that I love, care and am there for you. You are one who does tend to keep people out, but I have been the fortunate one to receive the open book. I need to keep reading my book to you as well. Any thought, especially pertaining to us, will be explored together instead of me seeking an answer alone. My 4 years (6 years?) alone has taught me to seek answers on my own, and make those work. But in order to develop us, I will push myself away from this habit. It will become natural to go to you. but is this what you want? Do you want a partner who will share and discuss with you or do you ideally want a partner who knows you so well that she doesn’t need to approach? …
Question.. so when you wrote your blog, was this in reference to us living together? Or was this in reference to us marrying?
