Scratched so bad

Earlier today, my dog scratched my arm and it turned pretty red. But there's something more worthy to focus on today. 

I feel like dying. 

I will go outside to buy food only to not make myself any hungrier. I will watch a stream just to distract myself of every thoughts and responsibilities I have. This hasn't been the first time I felt terrible about my life, but the course of events are making me feel dizzy. I have to think about the payments, the company I'm going to apply for, and my research. Now that I've written them, there are only three things consuming me. Why do I feel overwhelmed? 

Just like every other time, I come back to myself. 

I don't want to die. 

With every little time given to me, I'm happy I get to watch Fairytail. I get to watch shows that lets me hide from the limelight of reality. I like making fantasy the reality, as I'm such a dork and weird and ultimately, sick. But it's not that. I was only being weird because I didn't know how to function in social reality. I focused on finding people who are ultimately like me. Then, I severed my ties to people who aren't. I would think again and again how I will never change. That stuck on me. 

Finding work stresses me out. It's good that I acknowledge it. When I had work, it didn't matter. I would just come to work to do my tasks and once I get my salary, I will eat just to fill myself with more than usual. Like nothing else matters. I'm running out of excuses and explanations. Why can't I accept that things are fleeting. I fixate myself on thinking about my problems, not really appreciating anything every year. 

Summer will always be the worst season for me. Everyone's hot-headed, even me. I would only receive criticism from my family. Would be nice if I can reset everyday. So as to not have people's words play in my head on repeat. I wish psychology would help me. But college is always about learning. Always taking things in. Even with that, I'm tired. It's hard. 

What seems to be hard? You can always chunk your responsibilities into activities. For work, we can start sending our email to companies looking for internships. It doesn't have to be perfect. Oh, there's also opening remarks that's hindering me. So, I just went ahead with providing my information in the application emails that I sent. If they don't respond by Tuesday, I'm going to their office, jesus. Okay, second problem. The fucking research. I'm going to read Cresswell again as my guide through my research. Hope it goes well! :))