When I was in high school my swimming coach told me that I was afraid of failure. I immediately blew her off because I knew that I was lazy, and that's why I never tried harder than I had to. Well wouldn't you know it, she was right. Not only have I realized that I am indeed afraid of failure, I'm so scared of it that I never try to do anything!
For my entire life I've never consciously put forth effort to do anything. I've never practiced hard to get better at something. I've given up hobbies I wasn't immediately good at, convincing myself that I wasn't that interested in it anyway. I've owned a guitar for over a decade and can still barely play it. My drawing rarely exceeds doodling, and when it does it's good, but I only see how it could be a thousand times better and discourage myself. All this because I'm afraid to try and fail.
In my eyes (and I imagine most people's) everyone else was just naturally good at whatever it was they did. I know better now, but at the time I was ashamed that couldn't just pick up my guitar and play it, or step onto the track and run for miles. It makes me feel quite silly saying it blatantly like that. Subconsciously I really let this get to me, ergo Afraid of Failure.
So I've done nothing. Ever. I do nothing. Not doing things is what I do. I finally know why. I'm relieved to not be the lazy fuck I always thought I was, but being a coward doesn't feel so great either. However, now that I know what my problem is I can try to do something about it. Do things. When I studied psychology I learned that the way to get over your fears is exposure to them. So I must try things, and I must fail at them, and then keep trying more. You can't learn if you're never wrong. First step: I signed up for a voice acting workshop, and yes, I'm scared, but I need to develop skills for some kind of career if I want to have an adult life (about time) and this is something I think I could enjoy.
I feel like I wasted my youth not developing myself, but instead of focusing on the frustration that causes me, because I do that daily and y'all don't wanna read that shit, I'm going to look at the skills I did develop and the advantages they give me.
I have a beautiful voice. I sing like an angel and I know it. This doesn't mean I automatically have confidence, because what if others disagree, or I fuck up on stage, but that's just more fear. Practically singing doesn't offer a whole lot of advantages, but it's a step in the right direction of being an all round good musician.
I think a lot. No shit, everyone does, but I think a bit differently. Most people do do things, and when they do what do, they think I bout it. I, however, do nothing and thus think about more things more often, and with a fairly unique perspective.
I'm an underdog, always have been, and for several years I was a bitter and unhappy underdog, but that changed. I decided to be happy and made lots of new friends. Then I went on to study humanity, specifically Psychology and Sociology. Now I had insight people's thoughts and their manifest behaviors as well as how those people functioned as a society.
I've also always been pretty damn smart, I could have been brilliant, if not for the whole fear of failure thing. Problem solving has always been my specialty, and I've always been an outside the box thinker. (I think I'm naturally right brained, but school only trains your left brain, so they ended up balanced. At least until college when I really stopped doing shit.) Always. haha
As a result my understanding and self-awareness are off the charts. These days I constantly observe everyone I interact with. I want to know the motivations behind their words and actions. I want to know their secret motivations, the dark shadows in their hearts that guide them without their knowledge. This allows me to easily put myself in the shoes of another and see where they're coming from.
Self-awareness is a double edged sword. Understanding the shadows of your own heart is both very useful and very painful. The inner turmoil inspire blog posts such as this one. But getting out (in some form or fashion) helps a lot. It reduces my anxiety and helps.. I dunno. I'm trying to express myself as best I can, but I don't know how, so I just ramble. I wish I could make this into a song.