Modern dress is code for sinful sexual desires
For those of you who know me, you know I’m a raging Republican whose main goal is to coerce The University of Montana to become the most conservative college campus in the nation.
In fact, I support assistant law professor Kristen Juras’ attempt to remove the Bess Sex column from this ragingly-liberal college newspaper so much that I’m going to take her old-fashioned principles one step further.
Students, in order to save your souls from the propaganda of
That’s right, girls. No more slutty outfits that make you look like you should be on the Stockman’s dance floor on a Saturday night instead of in Anthropology 101 on a Wednesday afternoon. No more outfits that merely consist of a t-shirt, tights and Ugg boots
, which make you look like you forgot to put pants on.
No more Chacos or flip-flops before May and no more skirts that show your coochie when you bend over. Unless you’re a sexpert or a stripper on your way to Fred’s Lounge, you don’t have the professional authority to dress like one.
For the men, I’ll reverse the horrible trend started by the Beatles in the ‘60s and promote short hairstyles, which means there will be no more free-flowing dreadlocks bobbing around campus. We all know those dreadlocks really mean you’re just a raging pseudo-hippie and you like having unprotected sex on drugs.
Just look around you. I know you’ll see one of these people in nearly every one of your classes, and I’m tired of it. I pay tuition to go to this university, so I should have a say in what the students wear, because their scandalous outfits affect my learning capabilities.
Students should have to dress for class the same way they dress for church. It’s disrespectful to your teachers to come to class wearing next-to-nothing.
Freedom to wear what you want comes with responsibilities, and it is inappropriate and unprofessional to dress like the stars you see on MTV.
Sex is so pervasive in our culture that it’s even infiltrated your minds when you decide what to wear in the morning. College is a place for learning, not a place to express your post-pubescent sexual desires through what you wear.
So dig out that chastity belt, quit reading the Bess Sex column, and for God’s sake, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.
Let’s work together to save our souls from the sin of sexuality before we all go to hell — the only place it’s warm enough to wear mini-skirts all year long.
I love uggs
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