Confession

when I look back my life,my life was all about men.
the reason why I was in england when I was 15?
the reason why I was in germany when I was 20?and...
a confession about "the reason why I was in cali."
this shit is about my 2nd boyfriend when I was 19(for me that's 2nd lol..I mean god damn I ain't count other randomass shit lol)

this american boy named christian came to tokyo when he was 17.
The moment I saw him..he was totally my type (medium blond hair with cute bangs)kinda emo hair though i didn't care lol
yea as always I jus came up to him and talked to him.(sounds like a hoe lol) I spoke some english at that time but obviously that wasn't enough to express myself like even just be myself.anyway we started datin though,I always tried to act cool and stuff hiding my english skill ugh..so embarrassing..
btw he was so cute n Everytime we walked down the street in shibuya,many girls were staring at him n prolly wonder why I was with him.lol (bitches!)but I was so proud of datin him..ya feel me?ahah
but yea I was so frustrated that I can't joke can't express myself I was even shy & calm when I was with him cause Every single word what I wanted to say got stuck in my throat n ain't comin up to my mouth...I think he got bored..ugh yea i have to admit.But he never acted like that even tryna have fun with me.(how sweet is that..)I jus realized that I fell in love with him.
even though he was younger than me..he took care of me so well compare to jap boys I ever dated.like can't compare shit honestly.
he's 100 times mature and knew girls well!!!!

A few month later..he had to go back to cali(O.C) as soon as his skool was done...I cried over him so hard cause that wasn't me datin him.I'm sure we felt something special but couldn't feel "connected" because of this mothafuckin language..I mean if he could speak any japanese,he would enjoy our date 100 times for sure. just because my english wasn't that well...I felt like shit like i never did.
anyways that was my 2nd serious relationship with my 1st foreign boy.

after he was gone.I swore that I would speak english as well as japanese otherwise I ain't be myself(which is so frustrating) n can't be in a relationship with foreign boys.

oops honestly I never studied english since then though lol I made so many fuckin foreign friends and even dated them.and finally when I got a chance to go abroad,my english was better enough to be myself.
and I chose california where I study....now you got that?

i kinda kept in touch with him since I was in cali...I already moved on and was already having fun wit other silly ppl lol but once in a while..i remember that was christian who brought me here... (my mom was always doubting if that's becuz of a guy when I was beggin her to have me go to cali) lol

well he's in sanfran n going to art skool now..i wish i could get to see him so that he can see real me finally n maybe could be a couple again???lol
who knows..but I really wanna see him and talk to him just like friends cuz that's what I got now and what I couldn't do a few years ago.

P.S actually why can't I see him...I was using a fake name while we were datin.LOL sucks to be bitchy for real!!!!!!!!

peace.

Finally...

omg. it was soooo much fun last night.
i went to a bar and parties with my homegirl n homeboys.
damn it i met my ex bf who i dumped before moving to the states!!
OH MY GOD. he's fuckin COOL!!!!!!
he gets so much better than a year ago! or i jus forgot about him.lolanyways he's so gentleman and funny and lookin so cute.
plus he speaks fluent english.(he's not jap)
well we went to a bar and went to a club which i used to go there b4 every single weekend.

omg. now he's soooo fuckin popular!! All the girls tried to check
him out and tryna holla!! i was like..WTF? i was more popular than him b4!Fuckin bitches tried to get him while i was gone for pee.
well of course i was pissed.LOL cuz he's mah company!(n my ex..)lol so naturally i fuckin kicked their ass.they were too bitchｙ,one of those girls smoked a cig n blow it all over my girl on purpose! i was pissed,well of course.I yelled at her like Wtf is wrong with you?you BITCH!!!!!!!! ppl around me were like..WTF is going on..lol including my ex.lol
well who cares.btw my boy was too awesome.I showed off my boy(ex) to those bitches.btw he only focused on me so it wasn't a lot of work.i mean it lol.finally he kissed me and of course i kissed him back. i felt great. he doesn't do stupid shit even if he gets drunk.he always tryna having fun n dont give a fuck about bitches or drama.I liked it so much.he always took care of me n i felt so safe with him. I'm not even tryin to compare to my baby though i was having a hard time.at least my ex made me feel better n comfortable with myself.it was kinda big deal..
i was soo happy last night. he asked me to be with him today but I said no. he even told me that he's been waiting for me for the whole year. BUT i had to control myself like all i did is for me,not for him.that sounds heartless but i have my boy now.maybe he's still mine i believe.
sometimes it doesnt seem real though. yea maybe if i didnt have my boy now,i would be with him for sure.
whoa i feel great today.i can eat,i can sleep.
i dont feel lonely extremely or desparately even if i can't contact my baby.

Finally i start living my life literally in japan.
hope everything is gonna be fine..

The Long Disance Relationship

もぅつらいよぉおおおおいくら次会うために今頑張るってつらいもんはつらいんだもん(TωT)
毎日のように、落ちて、それでもだめだー落ちても会える訳じゃなぃし、次会う時までに
頑張ってめちゃ２綺麗になって腰抜かさすぞーーって思って、就活モードに戻って、ちょっとしたらまた壁にずんってぶつかってまたジョージー!!!!!(｡＞0＜｡)ってなる笑。
もう疲れるゎ自分に笑。遠距離ぐらぃで駄目になる関係じゃなぃってめちゃ自信あったし今もあるけど
何か会えない寂しい日本ストレス溜まるってゆーので電話しても機嫌めちゃ悪く接しちゃって、あっちは
それでもwhat's wrong, are you okとか言ってくれるけど、んなゎけねぇだろ!!!!って思って、ワラ　
NO!!!ってゆって何があった？って聞かれても、何でもないしとか超ぶっきらぼぅにしちゃって、悪循環なんかこんな態度続けてたら放置されそうｗ　なんかどんどんブサイクになっていきます
黒髪でうんこだし、太ってるし、服もかわいいの着てないし、すっぴんだし。
アメリカでゎ有り得ないshadyな生活を送ってる。うちが携帯電話しても出ないしーーー！！！
なんか昨日skypeしたけどその間弟とゲームやってるし！！無言通話ですよ。うちそのためにお風呂
入っても化粧と髪とんないでいたのに！！！まじ盛り損ゃで。なんかうちのことどうでもぃぃんかなとか
思ったし。最初は超あっちバンバンきてたのに、寂しいとかいろいろ！！！なんかまだ一ヶ月も経ってないのに！

とりま明日エステ行ってちょっと自分に栄養をいれてくるゎもうぅちとかひきこもりすぎて、くさそうだし笑親は痩せろ２ゆうしーー。リアル笑。　てかビール！！酒飲んでないからまじで！！！

アメリカから帰ってきたらとりあえず虫歯がすごくて。ｗｗ今週１で歯医者通い中。んでジョージには歯医者って言ってないで、病院って言って、妊娠ジョークを本気でかまし中。
笑。
それでさぁ！！！あいつ本気にして友達みんな集めて子供ができたって報告＆ママにまで言っちゃったらしいの！！ｗｗｗｗ　ちょっと度が過ぎたね笑。

でもこのおなかはリアル妊娠５ヶ月。（ママに言われた）
damn!!!!! fuck my life.ぁあああこれ口癖直ったのにまたゆっちゃった。

今日連絡とってなぃぃぃぃぃぃぃ寂しいーーーーーーＤＩＬＤＯあったかくないしさーーー
人肌がぃぃの！！（お兄ちゃんへ）ワラ

とりま太り続けるのやめるわ笑。部屋にほうり投げ出された懐かしのアブトロニック的なものでもやってよう。笑ダイエット日記に変えようかな。笑