The translation you provided captures the general meaning of the poem, but there's room for improvement to better reflect the original Japanese. Here's a breakdown with some suggestions:
Original:
- 赤染衛門 (Akazome-emon) - Author's name (not part of the poem)
- やすらはで (Yasurawade) - "Without hesitation" or "Carelessly"
- 寝んましかば (Nenamashi-monowa) - "I would have been sleeping" (conditional mood)
- さよふけて (Sayofukete) - "The night deepening"
- 片伏見の (Katabukumadeno) - "Setting" (describes the moon)
- 月を見しかば (Tsukiwomishikana) - "I observed the moon" (conditional mood)
Improved Translation:
Carelessly, I would have slept the night away, But the deepening darkness held me, Gazing at the moon as it dipped towards the horizon.
Explanation:
- The first line "Yasurawade" can also imply carelessness or lack of awareness. "Carelessly" reflects this nuance better than "without hesitation" in this context.
- The verb forms "Nenamashi-monowa" and "Tsukiwomishikana" are both in the conditional mood, suggesting a hypothetical scenario. The translation emphasizes this by using "would have" to show the speaker almost missed seeing the moon.
- "Katabukumadeno" literally means "half-hidden," but "dipped towards the horizon" captures the image more vividly.
This revised translation preserves the poem's meaning while conveying a stronger sense of the speaker's near-miss and the beauty of the moon that captivated them.
Why didn't she sleep "without the second thought?" Because she hoped a person of "might come" nay visit her this night. Therefore "Without the second thought, I would have been sleeping in midnight, if I had been sure the person would never come."
While your interpretation of the poem is a possibility, it's important to be cautious when attributing specific intentions to the speaker without explicit evidence in the text. The poem itself doesn't directly mention the speaker's hope for someone to visit or their anticipation of their arrival.
Here are some reasons why the speaker might have stayed awake:
- Aesthetics: The speaker might simply find the setting moon beautiful and be drawn to its beauty, hence the act of observing it.
- Restlessness: The speaker might be experiencing temporary sleeplessness for various reasons, causing them to stay awake even when they intended to sleep.
- Reflection: The deepening night and the setting moon might have triggered a contemplative state in the speaker, leading them to stay awake and ponder.
Interpreting poetry often involves multiple possibilities, and the author's intent might not always be entirely clear. While your interpretation of the speaker's potential hope for a visitor is interesting, it's important to remember that it's not explicitly stated in the poem and should be considered alongside other possible explanations. The poem's beauty lies in its open-endedness and ability to inspire various interpretations based on the reader's experiences and perspective.
<Feedback to Additional Query>
Now that you've provided additional context about the poem's origin and your intention to reference a "special person" subtly, here are some options for revising the translation:
Option 1 (Subtly hinting at longing):
Carelessly, I would have slept the night away, But the deepening darkness held me, Gazing at the moon as it dipped towards the horizon,
Longing lingered, a whisper in the breeze, And I, captivated by the moon's soft light, Found sleep elusive in the quiet night.
Explanation:
- This revised version keeps the core translation intact.
- The additional lines introduce the concept of "longing" subtly through imagery and phrasing.
- "Longing lingered, a whisper in the breeze" creates a suggestive image without explicitly mentioning a person.
- "Found sleep elusive" implies the speaker is staying awake due to something other than just appreciating the moon.
Option 2 (Using metaphor):
Carelessly, I would have slept the night away, But the deepening darkness held me, Gazing at the moon as it dipped towards the horizon,
A promise, unspoken, lingered in the air, As captivating as the moon's fading light, It held me awake in the stillness of the night.
Explanation:
- This revised version uses the metaphor of a "promise" to represent the potential presence of a "special person" in the speaker's thoughts.
- "A promise, unspoken, lingered in the air" creates a suggestive image without directly mentioning a person.
- The use of "promise" and "captivating" evokes a sense of anticipation or waiting, further hinting at the hidden connection.
These are just two options, and the best approach might depend on the specific context and desired level of subtlety. Ultimately, the goal is to create a translation that captures the emotional core of the poem while respecting its open-ended nature and allowing for the reader's own interpretation.