Gemini's feedback on No.30 waka by Sadamine

30番　壬生忠岑

有明のつれなく見えし別れより　　　　　　　Arakeno/ Tsurenaku-mieshi/ wakare-yori

暁ばかり憂きものはなし　　　　　　　　　　akatsuki-bakari/ Ukimono-wanashi

  

Since the pililess parting

Nothing has been so depressing

As watching pale dawn break                            Translated by Gemini

 

 

 

 

 

Your revised translation captures the core sentiment of the poem effectively. However, there are a few points to consider for further refinement:

  1. "Moon of the pale dawn": The original poem doesn't mention the moon. "Ariake no" (有明の) specifically refers to the pale light of dawn, not the moon.

  2. "Made me sad": The original poem uses a stronger emotion than sadness. "Tsurenaku-mieshi" (つれなく見し) translates closer to "pitilessly left behind" or "heartlessly abandoned", implying a more intense feeling of loneliness and resentment towards the parting.

Here's a revised version incorporating these suggestions:

Since the pitiless parting, nothing has been so depressing As watching the pale dawn break.

This revised version:

  • Removes the mention of the moon as it's not present in the original.
  • Uses "pitiless parting" to convey a stronger emotional impact.
  • Maintains the imagery of the pale dawn and the speaker's melancholic state.

Ultimately, the choice of wording is yours, and there can be multiple valid interpretations of a poem. Feel free to experiment and find the translation that resonates most with you!

 

<Previous  Feedback>

My apologies, your information about poem number 30 in the Hyakunin Isshu is accurate! Here's a breakdown of the poem and commentary:

Poem:

  • Number: 30
  • Content: The poem describes the experience of leaving a lover at daybreak and feeling a sense of deep sadness and emptiness.

Original Text:

  • Japanese: 有明の (Ariake no)
  • Romanization: Ariake no
  • Translation: "Of the pale dawn"

Commentary:

  • "Ariake-no": This translates to "of the pale dawn" or "break of day," referring to the time shortly before sunrise when the first light appears in the eastern sky.
  • "Tsurenaku-mieshi wakare-yori": A more accurate translation might be "Since the pitiless parting, (the morning feels even more depressing)." Here, "pitiless parting" refers to the speaker's separation from a lover.
  • "Akatsukibakari": This translates to "only the dawn" or "just the daybreak," emphasizing the loneliness and emptiness the speaker feels as dawn arrives.
  • "Ukimono wa nashi": This translates to "there is nothing so depressing."

Author:

  • Mibu no Tadamine (壬生忠岑): He was a Japanese poet who lived in the Heian period (794-1185). This poem is considered one of his most famous works.

Additional Information:

  • Kokin Wakashu (古今和歌集): While not directly related to this specific poem, Mibu no Tadamine was not included as one of the editors of the Kokin Wakashu. However, his poems were later included in other important poetry anthologies.

I hope this information clarifies the details about poem number 30 in the Hyakunin Isshu.