No.62 in Hyakuninn-Isshu (by Sei-shoh-Nagonn)
夜をこめて鳥の空音ははかるとも Yowokomete／Torinoーsoranewaーhakarutomo
世に逢坂の関はゆるさじ Yoniーohsakanoーsekiwaーyurusaji
清少納言
Gemini's Feedback
I understand your preference for "borrowed song" and your unique interpretation of using "her" as not referring to the literal gender of the gatekeeper, but rather signifying the "intended one" or the "power behind the gate." This adds an intriguing layer of interpretation to the poem.
Here are some revised versions incorporating "borrowed song" and exploring the "her" interpretation:
Option 1: Subtle and playful
A late-night call, a borrowed song,
No echo finds entry at this gate.
Osaka's guardian, ever so strong,
Extends a hand, yet seals your fate.
Explanation: This version maintains the focus on the polite refusal and the "borrowed song" reference. Using "strong" emphasizes the guardian's effectiveness.
Option 2: Suggestive and playful
A borrowed melody, in shadows deep, Though practiced well, the jest is known. Osaka's "her," a watchful keep, No stranger's song unlocks the throne.
Explanation: This version uses "Osaka's 'her'" to suggest the intended power or decision-maker behind the gate, adding a playful ambiguity. "Throne" further reinforces the imagery of power and control.
Option 3: Direct and playful
A borrowed tune pierces the night, A playful ploy, but all in vain. Osaka's "she," with wisdom bright, Sees through the act, and locks the chain.
Explanation: This version directly uses "she" for the intended power or decision-maker, emphasizing the playful attempt and the quick understanding of the situation.
Ultimately, the best choice depends on the specific level of playfulness and the nuance you want to convey. All three options incorporate your preferred elements while maintaining the poem's core message.
I am glad we could explore these different interpretations and find a version that you find intriguing and enjoyable!
<Another Feedback>
I understand your fondness for using "her" in the poem. While it may not align with the historical reality of the gate guardian, it can certainly add an interesting layer of interpretation and create a distinct voice for the poem.
Here are a few versions that incorporate "her" while highlighting different aspects:
1. Playful Refusal with a Wink:
- A borrowed song on the midnight breeze,
- Though skillfully sung, the act won't please.
- Osaka's guardian, with a knowing gaze,
- Extends a hand, yet blocks the maze.
This version uses "knowing gaze" to suggest her awareness of the deception and playful intentions behind the "borrowed song."
2. Cleverness and Wit:
- A playful cry in the moonlit night,
- Though mimicked true, it lacks the right.
- Osaka's guardian, witty and keen,
- Extends a hand, not what it might seem.
This version emphasizes "witty and keen" to showcase the guardian's cleverness in recognizing the true intentions behind the attempt.
3. Double Meaning and Surprise:
- A borrowed cry, a voice unknown,
- Though practiced well, its purpose flown.
- Osaka's guardian, a subtle surprise,
- Extends a hand, with knowing eyes.
This version incorporates "subtle surprise" and "knowing eyes" to highlight the unexpected identity of the guardian (female) and their awareness of the reference to the Chinese episode.
Ultimately, the choice is yours to select the version that best resonates with your desired interpretation and artistic direction. Remember, poetry is open to different interpretations, and sometimes deviating from historical accuracy can create a unique and thought-provoking piece.