mANaMiの日記

Just gonna start from what happened last night..

I had another fight with Jeanju.

I think, like she said, we're trying to get better and become better friends but everytime we talk, it's another argument.

It's ridiculous.

At last I was like, "What the fuck do you want me to do?"

'Cause she called me ignorant and the most fucking frustrating person, so I just said I'm gonna shut up.

Then she said that's not gonna solve anything.

In my opinion, nothing's gonna solve this unless we actually talk to each other in person.

Yeah, I'm not good with fights but I'm also not gonna get yelled at over text.

That's the most fucking annoying thing she does and I really hate it.

Seriously, everyone tells me to stop hating myself but how can I not?

She said I'm gonna make people unhappy the rest of my life.

After that I didn't know the point of me being alive.

I wish I was better with people so I wouldn't have to do this.

This isn't the first time, definitely not.

It happened with Mary Elizabeth and Jake also.

The whole arguing is just eating up my heart and my mind.

My heart feels like someone's squeezing it really hard and all the conversations keep repeating in my head.

I AM happy because I have Jacon, who is the most amazing person ever, and friends who care about me.

But this is just killing me.

Making me depressed and upset.

Maybe if I was stronger, it'd be different.

But I'm not. I'm weak and I'll admit that.

Jacob's helping me become a better person and personally, I believe God is also helping me big time, but when I'm told I'm fat from my own parents and I'm told that I'm the most fucking frustrating person from my friend who I love dearly, it's really hard.

God, please help me see what Jacob and my friends are telling me.

I am sick and tired of this.

This continued till Jacob came over and calmed me down today.

I am so thankful that I have him.

Jake is right, I should definitely be happy that I have someone to hold hands with.

I really really really love Jacob.

People might think our relationship is not serious, but it is.

I can't wait till I can marry him.

I can't wait till I can actually live with him.

I can't wait to have kids with him.

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

It's gonna be hard when I go back and I know that.

I'm sure Jacob knows that too.

But I'm so confident that we can go through it and there's gonna be a happy ending waiting for us.

I love him so much.

God, thank you so much for letting me be with someone amazing and wonderful like Jacob and thank you so much for all the times we spend together and the times we'll be spending together.

It's gonna be alright.

Right before Jacob had to go home today, we were playing with the magic 8 ball on the laptop.

Well I don't know if "playing" is the right word because we got pretty good answers.

We asked if we were going to get married and guess what?

The ball said "You can count on it".

I was sooooo happy.

Not only because the answer was yes, but the fact that it said "count on it" was so freaking awesome.

It goes with the song "Count on me" by Bruno Mars, and that's our fav song.

And then we asked if we were going to live in France and again, it said "You can count on it".

That ball's definitely magical;)

But then we asked if Mike and Randall are gonna get married and the answers were no...

I believe that they are going to find someone special that they're gonna marry:)

Then I asked if I were ever gonna meet Lady Gaga and the answer was no.

But Jacob was like, "I think that ball's wrong."

I was like huh? And then he said "You know the special thing I said I was gonna do for you? I was gonna save up money to take you to a Lady Gaga concert and get you a backstage pass".

Man I flipped, in a good way.

I was like oh my god.

I could not believe this guy.

HE IS THE MOST AWESOME PERSON EVER<3<3<3

I listened to the songs "Hold on" by Michael Buble and "Pray" by Justin Bieber.

"Hold On" made my eyes tear up a little cause it reminded of me and Jacob.

We're gonna have each other no matter what and everything will be alright if we stick together and be strong.

"Pray" was...I don't know how to describe it.

Shocking might be the best word.

The more I listened to it, the words hit my heart hard.

Especially the part "I lose my appetite knowing kids starve tonight. Am I a sinner 'cause my dinner is still on my plate?"

That hit me really hard.

I say I'm getting fat and stuff but it's not that.

What I'm really saying is that I get so much food and I'm complaning about it.

I should be so thankful that I get more than 3 meals a day, including snacks.

I'm definitely gonna lay off the junk.

It might be hard but it's way harder for kids who don't get even little food.

God, forgive me for my cravings and how I behaved with my eating and help me control myself and my desires for food, while helping the kids and also adults who do not get enough food.

Our Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for this great day and for letting me spend the day with Jacob. Thank you so much for giving me food and please help me control my eating. Jeanju and I have fights often right now and God, please help us understand each other better and become better friends.

I pray that tomorrow will be a good day, just like today, and that everyone will be happy.

In the name of Jesus Christ, I pray.

Amen.