Again like this..

yes... again like this and it hurt a lot.

I told my friend about what was happened in the karaoke last night. and she said terribly hurt words.

I feel like I failed both. The scholarship and this. well... I forgot the rule of my life... that what I really wish a lot never come true. till now.. yet... especially japan things and that other things. it never come true.

I was cried last night. for all things that failed.. for all things that I wish to be happen but not. and I am really sorry for that cry. I shouldn't cry like that. I should just thankful for what I have. isn't it. I will try again for the scholarship things. but, I don't know will I try again on the other things. coz I am really sad and disappointed about all of this. I hate this.

I am fool about this. and if it is true I want it come fast. but... why... always like this. that's why... I won't talk about it anymore. I am tired. everyone is bad.

-_- want to buy a perfect boyfriend robot like in drama. I am tired.

10032015 Awkwardly epic day

At 10th March 2015... it was the result announcement of the scholarship. I know I shouldn't hope so much coz I didn't doing well at the interview. but still lost hoping and not want to see the result is running away.

Well.. the night before March 10th, I said that If I am not passed the test, I will encouraging myself to ask him somewhere. Well at midday, I saw the result. I was Sad, but not like I didn't prepare to sad. That's why maybe... I didn't cry. I want to cry but... there were people around me that time. and right when tears feels like falling, the rain was fallen first.

Then at afternoon, I saw a post on Path, someone from next room (same unit as the boy nextdoor) asked people on her unit to go to karaoke. then I encourage myself, and ask to join them. she welcome. I really want to sing (slash scream) coz... I am sad. I don't care whether he will go or not, but I hope he will. then I join them. and yes, he went karaoke too.

I can't sing much japanese, coz it is the place where the choice of jap or korean songs are really narrow. but, he is there. I saw him singing. it is like an artist singing a song. he is cute.. he is quite good. OMG... I like him really. adn at that time people seems like want to match us together and tease me... tease him too. well, I feel like being tease all the time. I really don't know it is me or him that people tease around.. or us. I don't know. but, you know what... we are like that in public.. but... no at phone or anything it is really silent. he haven't contact me since asking me when I was in Jakarta.

I hate being like this. If it is still running like this till the end of month... I won't be doing the default reaction again, the shy reaction. I should think something not usual me. I don't want to be teased anymore, coz.. it is only jokes to make people happy or such. and really nothing is going around between us.

See... till now, Pekanbaru is really an emotional town for me. I never had experience like this before. and it all happen within a year.
A things which tickle my feeling till now, the weird cousin things, and my best friend, the friend here, the online friend R things, the new nice friend G who I wish he is as the same age. the the last but not least, D things, the boy next door which happen since the end of last year till nowadays. sweet actually but, I feel it will be sweeter or nicer if it is happen.

but then.. I told it all to a friend here,,, and then she said a things that make my ego think so too. about who I am in the company and who he is. I enter the company as middle lever employee, assistant manager. Than, he is just an outsource. My friend said to have pride and think about that. except,, he had the better job. well.. correct, because at the same company already bad. A is at the same company too but, he is at the same level as me even I entry the company earlier than him.

well, it looks like I am thinking like level headed. it is not like that. As long as he is nice, caring, smart, fun. I am fine. but, I know it also not that easy. future is the stake of it.
ah... well, whatever. I shouldn't think about person who I don't know that does he even think about it.

First SatNight at new boarding house

I am alone, even there is the house owner, I feel like alone.
Watching something but still I bored.

I saw posts of my friend who got scholarship and she is enjoying it so badly. Meet many new friends and has new experiences. I am jealous. I am happy for her too. I am thankful for my life now. But, can't be help to jealous.

Then yesterday.. I just knew that my grade is low... and I am really sad. Despite of how I spent more time at office here last year. And then one of coworker rant about her grade which lower than last year. Then she said that my partner was crying when she know that her grade is bad. Well, I only smile when I heard that from the rant coworker. If she sad like that, Didn't she know how I feel when I heard that, and she said like she is the one who the most miserable. That talk... make the thought of running away from this company and I am not suit the job come again.

Then.... about N... He isn't as playful as before. He even didn't peek again at the room when he passed. Well, maybe he isn't interested anymore. As for... he got my phone number but not called me. Or texting or else.... Yes, I know since the first that it is hopeless.

I don't want to be a downer. But, everything that I write or happen just a failing.. failure. I don't know. I kerp stand up though. I guess I already have too much mentally scars.

My happiness is simple actually... when it come true as I like. But..mostly not. And sometime... even just to have a morning air I am happy. My happines is simple.. but when I see from the other side of view... I feel I always face failure and it make me sad.

I want to say that god please... give me that or that. Anuway, God always know the better choice. I plan, God approve, I acted. When I doubted plan or make more than one plan at a time then God will decided.

Hm... entahlah. I hope I'll passed this month better than last month.