I have a hard time seeing myself as someone worthy of anything. I work hard, but I tell myself, "I just got lucky with x" or "I must not be doing enough, that's why y is happening." I want to be able to dance and perform for the rest of my life, but am I doing anything to achieve that? The short answer is: No. I watch my dancing and I hate it. I see issues that if I think about it, no one else sees. When I am at work, I do not see how much of a positive influence I can be to my co-workers and how much they respect me and look up to me. It really sucks that I know this about myself and yet, do very little to change it.
At the same time, I am scared of change. I am afraid of succeeding. I have had this mindset for so long, that I don't know if I could handle change. Building good habits is not something I am good at. Starting things and then letting them fall by the wayside has been my speed for so long, that it's no wonder I think I got lucky or don't deserve anything. I need to change this, and I needed to change this yesterday.
How do I do this? Nothing changes without the will to change it but am I ready for this change? Am I ready to fight for the life I want or crumble into a million different pieces? A part of me still says no and I have to fight that part of me. I need to start seeing myself as worthy of everything. I deserve to be happy, healthy and loved. I am going to work on it and I'm gonna make it work this time.
For no one else but me.