beta-san made it here a few days ago, and its been so nice having her around in person. as selfish as it is i like hanging out with her one to one when ab is at work the most...
but at the same time i can feel myself being hesitant with her. i purposefully keep my distance and i dont know how to react to her. and im afraid its because im still harboring feelings about her that i should have dealt with a long time ago.
today she and ab and i started looking at places we might all live together and that got us talking about long term goals/life plans and in that conversation i learned that beta-san has thought about having a kid (adopting, not birthing) and all thought ground to a halt. and to make it worse ab followed it up (kindly) with an offhanded comment about who knows what we'll be doing then, and if beta-san will have a partner -- whatever that may look like -- and i could fully feel myself disconnect. i became unable to look beta-san in the eye, and i went numb inside.
because i dont want her to have a kid. i dont want her to have a partner that isnt me. i dont want her to have the opportunity or space to be someone without me... as stupid as that sounds, considering she built and lived a whole life for herself from 2017 till now. seven years? jesus...
not to mention that in the time since shes gotten here ive been an absolute horror and snooped thru her phone and found the texts from the guy she hooked up with and turns out it was the same shithead that asked her out on two dates. i dont have the pics on this phone but basically hes been pestering her ever since the one time she let him fuck her, and though im glad shes's ignored every message since, reading thru the shit he sends her is truly horrifying snd i dont understand why she hasnt blocked him already... unless she plans on getting back with him at some point.
i suppose i should be grateful that it wasnt'twhat i suspected at the start (what made me feel compelled to snoop thru her phone to begin with) -- her being in an actual relationship with the guy... bc i saw the tail end of a message on that were along the lines of "a little something freaky to start the week?" and i immediately began to worry that she was sending him nudes or videos or something of the like...
anyway i spent dinner feeling distant and jaded and i dont know if she picked up on it or not but out of the blue she mentioned that she might just go for a phd and when i asked why she said she'd just want something to do to pass the time, and instead of a child, she could aim to get a phd.
still i couldnt help my own morbid curiosity, and i asked her how many children she'd want. she said one at first but then changed her mind to two and referenced a convo we had last night about me being alone with my aging parents. and then i asked if she saw herself raising kids alone or with a partner and she immediately answered by herself, and I couldn't help but feel relieved, but also i worried that i let too much show, that it was too obvious what i was feeling...
spent the rest of the evening in relative peace, but i still couldnt shake the feeling of fear of the change thats to come.