the only time i even bother to open this app anymore is when i got shit to say abt beta-san i guess and boy howdy do i...
where to even begin. i moved in w ab and have a job and we're happy. i love her. she loves me. im happy here and im grateful that i have her.
yesterday beta-san called me to tell me (but ab by extension bc she was home and i automatically put her calls on speaker) that she had acted like a heterosexual and was embarrassed by it. i assumed she meant that she'd gone on a date again or something but instead. she told us that she'd had sex. and that it was boring and uninteresting and disappointing and unstimulating and how fic is better and i genuinely felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't think, i could barely breathe, my whole body felt hot and i didnt know what to do or say. she said she didn't regret it though, and that it was a good learning experience. i asked her if she'd used protection and she said she did all the things -- condoms, a water based lube, pissing afterwards. said the pissing was more satisfying than the sex itself.
i had to ask how it happened, and she said it was a guy she knew from school, and that he had asked her if she wanted to hang out and she went "sure" and i just? couldnt bring myself to believe that she would just Do That with some random guy, and maybe its my demi side talking but. how do you just have sex with someone you dont have feelings for. im terrified that this is the start of me losing her to utah even though shes just a couple months awag from allegedly moving here. i cant help but feel scared. and i know i have no right, no claim over her. why cant i be normal about her. why cant i just learn to live with the fact that shes not mine and that she maybe never really was and i have to make my peace with that.
i think the thing that bothers me the most is that this recurring pattern with how she is with guys? makes me wonder. like there was the time she left me w her sister at the mall so she could go and help some incel coworker of hers buy clothes bc he was "hopeless" and then there was the time that she went on dates w a guy from her dance club just bc he asked her out and she wanted the free ice cream/kbbq that he was treating her to. and now this. having sex with a guy just because he asked??? like she has a tendency to gloss over her feelings about these men that she sees and act as though shes just exasperated and doing them a service but. i also think she craves that attention. as a middle child in a big family she needs it and she never got it and so any guy that shows interest in her, she seems to just go along with bc its? idk and ego boost? she was like that with her middle school bf too. and shes never told me about how she felt about any of them, how she really felt. and i guess i concern myself with those details bc i see myself in her. in those details.
it doesnt feel fair to either ab nor beta-san for me to still be obsessed all these years later. i dont have the right.
and having gone back through six or so years of chat history and memories, im beginning to wonder if i ever did. she only agreed to be with me bc i was on the verge of a psychotic break and told her i loved her. of course she would feel obligated. i deluded myself and it was never going to work. not when she and i both are so emotionally inarticulate.
idk i guess it just hurts. when she told me that she was functionally aroace i comforted myself in the knowledge that it was no shortcoming of my own that she couldnt love me like i loved her... but now? it maybe feels like i was just not enough for her -- not forward enough, not attractive enough, not masculine enough. or maybe too much -- too emotionally needy, too clingy, too physically needy...
i feel sick. i dont know what love is supposed to feel like anymore. i feel like im wrong im broken im gross im not enough im too much what does ab see in me why am i here why does she love me when i dont deserve it
anyway heres a timeline i drew up based on chat history and ig posts, in addition to a question i sent and then unsent bc im a coward
