It has been almost a year since my grandfather passed away.
"I'm very sorry, grandpa."
Whenever, wherever. I often whisper to him in the Heaven
like this.
* * * * *
When I came back from the United States in 2006, grandpa told my
husband and me to help him to have more chances to practice
walking. He wanted to work out to become healthier.
I wanted to help him out... But one thing made it difficult for
me to do so. That is the relationship between my parents
and him. It's a long story, but to make it short, they had
very mixed feelings to each other.
Just after grandpa asked us to help him to walk, he
stayed in a hospital for a few weeks. I wanted to visit him
and asked my mon, who took care of him, about it. However,
she told me not to visit him at the hosptal because of his
terrible attitude toward her. Then I couldn't help giving up
meeting him there because I didn't want to hurt her.
I knew my mother did her best in taking care of him, having
very mixed emotions to him.
But thinking back to it, I think I was wrong. I should've visited
him as his grandchild on a neutral ground.
After he left the hospital, I came to feel guilty on not having
visited him at the hospital. Grandpa never blamed me for my
not visiting him there, though. It was winter and I couldn't take
him outside or parks because it was too cold for him.
One day after I passed the Ph.D candidate exam, I visited
my parents house after a while. I visited grandpa's room and
talked to him. I was glad that he got to talk to me in such
a warm-hearted atmosphere.
It was the very next day that grandpa passed away in front
of my family.... including me.
I couldn't believe I would not have any chance to live up to
the promise I made with him.
I don't blame my mother on it at all. I always respected her
because she loved grandpa from the bottom of her heart and
took care of him. I'm sure that she was a wonderful daughter
to grandpa.
BUT I BLAME MYSELF. I could've done many things for him
as a granddaughter. Why didn't I try to be on a neutral ground
between my parents and grandpa?
He wanted to become healthier again and I could've helped
him with that....
* * * * *
I feel a tightening in my chest whenever I think of grandpa
like this. It brings up a lot of feelings of regret.
I'm very sorry, grandpa.
I want you to understand that I am so grateful to you for loving
me since I was a baby.
I cannot change the past and I'll take care of the grave of
you and grandma thinking of you....
THANK YOU, MY GRANDPA & GRANDMA.