Love Addiction continues
Have you ever been trapped in codependent relationships?
Why can’t you get away from these relationships?
There are
1 - 5 characteristics of codependence in you
2 - Phase of codependence
3 - Distorted view of codependence.
4 - 4 types of codependences in relationships.
4 – 1. domination (submission or obedience)
4 – 2. exploitation (advantage and disadvantage).
4 – 2 – 1. Emotional Blackmail
4 – 3. narcissism (belonging).
4 – 4. runaway (distance).
5 - How can you get away from these people?
1. 5 characteristics of codependence in you.
1 – strong desire that you want your partners to need you.
2 – strong desire that you help you partners
3 – strong desire that you are obsessed with your partners (they do not want to leave them alone).
4 – tendency that you sacrifice yourself for you partners.
5 – distorted perception that you interpret your partners’ negative behaviors positively.
2. Phase of codependence
1 - In honeymoon phase, you love your partners more than anything.
2 - When you find your partners and start to date your partners, you feel saved instead of happy.
3 - You want your partners to need you more. You start to feel unsatisfied by their insufficient responses to you, especially if their relationship pattern is avoidance.
4 - You start to cut off other relationships and your friends.
5 - You start to have distorted view. For example, you are a female and your partner is a male. If you see your partner talking to another girl, she is trying to take him!! You believe you will kill him!
6 - After a while, somehow break-up happens because your partners cannot handle you anymore due to your unrealistic demand on them. You impose your feeling on them, saying “I love you this much. Why don’t you love me back?”
7 – after the break-up, you will find another partner and continue having the same pattern.
3. Distorted view of codependence.
1 – Since you subconsciously believe that your romantic relationships do not last long, you tend to date with partners who depend on you and who cannot live without your financial support. When your partners are becoming successful in their career, you thwart their plan to be successful because you believe that they will damp you and then they find someone else. You may tell them “you shouldn’t take this job offer. It’s not good for you.” Or “ this promotion is not good for you because it will stress you out.”
2 – You believe that you should not become happy in relationships. You cannot bear with happiness. You believe that happiness goes away. After you find partners and you feel happy, you run away from the happiness with your partners. When you are about to get married with your partners, you may run away from them right before the wedding ceremony.
4. 4 types of codependences in relationships.
4 – 1. domination (submission or obedience)
4 – 2. exploitation (advantage and disadvantage).
4 – 3. narcissism (belonging).
4 – 4. runaway (distance).
4 - 1. Domination.
You will become subject to dominators in relationships.
Dominators tend to control you, threaten to you, order you, become violent to you, check your emails, believe they are always right, ruin your pride, discourage you to begin something new or curious, and to force you to ask for permission with them when you hang out with your friends. If you follow the ways they control you, they are gentle with and nice to you. However, when you don’t, they snap at you and get angry at you suddenly. If you are a female, and your father is a dominator as you see here, you tend to be trapped by a dominator in romantic relationships.
4 – 2. Exploitation.
Exploiters treat you in relationships based on advantage and disadvantage (gain and loss)
Exploiters are takers. They make you feel guilt and take you money or ability from them. They become extremely gentle with you when they want to have sex with you or money from you. They are not gentle with you usually unless they want something from you. They continue begging you as if they were cats until they get what they want. You feel trapped to stick to them due to their random gentle behaviors to you as you see jackpot in gamble. They act like children and depend financially on you. They threaten psychologically to you which is called an emotional blackmail.
4 – 2 – 1. Emotional Blackmail
Emotional Blackmail is a threat to manipulate you emotionally. For example, you may know your partners’ exploitative patterns. When they ask for money with you, you tell them “You are going to spend money on gambling or alcohol. Then, they respond to you “You don’t want to give me any money? You love me, don’t you? Are you telling me it’s ok to die if I have no money to buy food?
However, if you are codependent, you believe they need me and they rely on me.
4 – 3. Narcissism.
Narcists treat you as belonging.
Narcists love themselves. They are very self-centered and act childishly. They talk a lot about themselves. They believe they are great even without having any money or skills. Even though they don’t have money or skills, they believe they are great.
They act extremely, being very cold to you but being very nice to you. They don’t feel anything when they hurt you emotionally or when others feel hurt. On the contrary, they tend to be hurt emotionally and isolate themselves when they feel when they feel hurt or embarrassed.
They push their ideal on others. Why don’t you follow my ideal? When others are doing something that they dislike, they feel very disturbed. They tell you your new clothes don’t suit you.
4 – 4. Runaway.
People who tend to have run-away from in relationships, they keep emotional distance from you.
They don’t like to make full commitment for relationships. They want to be free from relational restriction. Their relationships don’t last long (3 months). When you request something to them, they tell you back “you are too needy. You are selfish.” They don’t like anything to get relationships deeper. They avoid talking deeply about themselves and they are very secretive. They change topics to avoid talking about them at a deeper level when you are sharing a serious topic with them. They may break up with you suddenly when you feel closer to them in the relationship.
5. How can you get away from these people?
1 – be aware of being trapped in any of these patterns.
2 – reflect on reasons that you tend to be trapped in these patterns.
3 – reflect on whether you need to change, or they need change? You need to change yourself because you cannot them.
4 – ask yourself if you want to continue painful romantic relationships or if you want to feel happy in relationships?
If you want to feel happy in relationships, you may want to take actions to change yourself
5 – before you date with new partners, set your own rules. For example, if your partners cheat on me twice, you break up.
6 – no sympathy on your partners who meet one of these types if you decide to move on from them.