lately I've been growing increasingly frustrated with my weightloss. I set out goals for my self each month and I was supposed to be down in the 130s by now but here I am tipping the scale 150 pounds...... still.
Yeah it's been a month and I'm the same weight as I was in the beginning of the month. I think that's partially because I started eating normally again so my weight just remained the same. Sure I would gain a few pounds or lose a few pounds but overall it stayed in the low 150s. And let me just say I am fucking pissed at my self. I need to lose so much weight and here I am being a lard ass and lazying around, throwing all my hard work over the past few months right out the window.
Back to eating like a bird. I have to go back to eating a really restricted diet, low calorie, no fat, no carbs, no flavour, no taste......no joy...........Ah the price of beauty. On top of that I'm now going start up my daily workouts again. I'll be damned if I can't lose these last 20-30 pounds pounds in the next two months. My ultimate goal is 125 but I figure if I go to Japan weighing 135 I'll probably lose that last 10 pounds from the lack of food and excessive partying that I'll be doing there regardless. Sans alcohol, don't want a beer belly now. Plus factor in the shit tonne of walking, massive amounts of bottled water, and generally little time to eat will definitely help out my dieting.
back to obsessively weighing myself every single day, back to watching what the fuck I put in my mouth and questioning whether or not I need it to survive.
Part of me wonders sometimes why I even want to lose weight anymore, but then I think back to how shit I felt when I was 30 pounds heavier and I snap back to reality. The world is a crappy place to live in if you're fat, get ignored, get mistreated, get snickered at and insulted. Tonnes o' fun and basket full of kittens.
I notice how differently people treat me now. I don't get shoved in a corner anymore, I don't get treated like wallpaper as much. Still can't shake my powers of invisibility yet because I am still am too chunky to be considered attractive by any means. Maybe 20 pounds later someone will notice me, here's hoping anyways.
oh yeah so I realized what the cause of my shit self esteem is, weight aside. My friends are far too attractive. I need to find less attractive friends. Going out in public with girls that are so much better looking then me kind of makes me feel like shit at the end of the day because every time anyone glances at us or checks us out I know exactly who they're looking at. And no it's not in my head if you had eyes you would see it too. I notice that when I go out alone no one looks in my direction but that suddenly changes when I'm out with my friends....hmmm seeing a pattern? I am. My friends are hot thus guys will stare at said friends, I am not which explains why I get no attention. Sigh I dunno my life is kind of pathetic sometimes, full of bitterness and resentment. Things would be so much simpler if I was born attractive. Sadly I am not and I have to work my ass off to even look remotely decent to go out in public.
anyways hope you enjoyed my depressing entry cause there will be more to come till I am not a fat ass ugly mother fucker anymore. It's going to take a while........
Yeah it's been a month and I'm the same weight as I was in the beginning of the month. I think that's partially because I started eating normally again so my weight just remained the same. Sure I would gain a few pounds or lose a few pounds but overall it stayed in the low 150s. And let me just say I am fucking pissed at my self. I need to lose so much weight and here I am being a lard ass and lazying around, throwing all my hard work over the past few months right out the window.
Back to eating like a bird. I have to go back to eating a really restricted diet, low calorie, no fat, no carbs, no flavour, no taste......no joy...........Ah the price of beauty. On top of that I'm now going start up my daily workouts again. I'll be damned if I can't lose these last 20-30 pounds pounds in the next two months. My ultimate goal is 125 but I figure if I go to Japan weighing 135 I'll probably lose that last 10 pounds from the lack of food and excessive partying that I'll be doing there regardless. Sans alcohol, don't want a beer belly now. Plus factor in the shit tonne of walking, massive amounts of bottled water, and generally little time to eat will definitely help out my dieting.
back to obsessively weighing myself every single day, back to watching what the fuck I put in my mouth and questioning whether or not I need it to survive.
Part of me wonders sometimes why I even want to lose weight anymore, but then I think back to how shit I felt when I was 30 pounds heavier and I snap back to reality. The world is a crappy place to live in if you're fat, get ignored, get mistreated, get snickered at and insulted. Tonnes o' fun and basket full of kittens.
I notice how differently people treat me now. I don't get shoved in a corner anymore, I don't get treated like wallpaper as much. Still can't shake my powers of invisibility yet because I am still am too chunky to be considered attractive by any means. Maybe 20 pounds later someone will notice me, here's hoping anyways.
oh yeah so I realized what the cause of my shit self esteem is, weight aside. My friends are far too attractive. I need to find less attractive friends. Going out in public with girls that are so much better looking then me kind of makes me feel like shit at the end of the day because every time anyone glances at us or checks us out I know exactly who they're looking at. And no it's not in my head if you had eyes you would see it too. I notice that when I go out alone no one looks in my direction but that suddenly changes when I'm out with my friends....hmmm seeing a pattern? I am. My friends are hot thus guys will stare at said friends, I am not which explains why I get no attention. Sigh I dunno my life is kind of pathetic sometimes, full of bitterness and resentment. Things would be so much simpler if I was born attractive. Sadly I am not and I have to work my ass off to even look remotely decent to go out in public.
anyways hope you enjoyed my depressing entry cause there will be more to come till I am not a fat ass ugly mother fucker anymore. It's going to take a while........