I'm reading Magic Tree House or whatever it's called in Japanese. I really want to be able to travel back in time!
That being said I feel like shit. Sudden topic change I know...I can't explain myself in Japanese so I do rash things to spice up my life and cure my boredom. And in the end I screw myself over. But it's not just something I do when I can't express myself...my life is a stream of making conscious mistakes and failing miserably. I guess a part of it is my stupid, stupid curiousity to see what will happen if I make a serious mistake. I'm the type of crazy ass kid that stands in the train station and thinks about how quick and easy it would be to make the decision to take a step off the platform.
I don't know when I started thinking like that. But it was a long time ago. My childhood must have been seriously fucked up I guess.
But I guess doing crazy shit and falling hard gives me a perspective in life. So it's not so bad when I think about it...and well as I said earlier I kinda enjoy the stress and pain. But still at the moment I wonder why I can't keep from digging holes for myself. I think I need a vacation.
I wanna go to Europe...well actually I wanna travel everywhere. That being said, life is fuckin short. Cause after school there's more school and then a job and a family. I don't want all of that so soon. There should just be like a ten year break between the end of school and the beginning of a career where people can do whatever they want. But then there's reality. Ehh.
Well I guess it's good as long as I don't become a housewife. That type of shit makes me sick because it makes my life seem more insignificant than it already is. I guess in the end, to the world I am nothing, but in my world I am everything. That's the scariest thing to me - being nothing. I don't wanna live out some 80 years of life just to die and gradually be forgotten. I don't even know my great - grandparents' names. I don't want that to happen. I'm Christian but...in the end it's impossible to know whether there is really anything after life, isn't it. The thought of never feeling or thinking anything ever again after death is terrifying. But I suppose that it's the same for everyone - death is the scariest thing at some point or another. 6 billion people in the world. And their lives are just as important to them as mine is to myself. And I guess none of my ideas are unique - all of them have been pondered again and again by countless waves of people. So in the end I'm just an ant on a hill.
I believe in fate though. Because countless coincidences took place just so I could be born and be where I am now. I guess that's a comfort - maybe my life is already predestined. So I refuse to regret anything I do because that's how my life is intended to be; there is no other way. Every time I make a mistake, it'll lead to something new. Still I can't help but wonder how my life would be if I willed myself to do something different. But there's never any knowing, so I'll act as I see fit.
