An Unsent Letter
How have you been?
Surprised? If you look at this perfectly written English, you could assume that I would've put quite long time and energy into it. Yeah. that's the level of my English. It's impossible for me to write in a delicate and refined way when it comes to complex situations. This is even more so, when I'm confused myself about what I'm thinking, such as right now.
Have you thought about me a lot? I've been thinking about you a lot. I've listened to the recording of your voice, from when we spoke on the phone one day, like a pervert. I have listened to all music on track list you sent me previously, and I listened one of them over and over again.
Remember the day when I first told you my past story? You played perfect world of Melua for me that night. Did you know how impressed I was then? You were the first person to tell me like that. You were like the 'perfect world' that suddenly came to me. You didn't judge, but comforted me when I was at my worst time. For now and in the future too, I will thank you forever for this. And perfect world would be the song I listen to whenever I have hard times.
I actually hope it would be the same for you. I wanted to be a 'perfect world' which means, a helpful and comforting person to you as well. Sadly, sometimes I felt like I am always the one needing to be consoled. You did said that being with me itself gives you strength, but I felt my words and actions didn't do much for you when you were having trouble. You even got hurt by my word ' burden '. Had I known the meaning beforehand, I would not have chosen that word . I'm still feel very guilty about that.
I also remember the talk we once had, on ideal type. You said that the most special one , who you could say anything freely in any situation would be the best partner. I still agree with that. You know I cannot be completely free when I speak English? I don't expect, nor do I want you to speak Korean freely. Of course, communication isn't all about language. However, I don't want to be frustrated by my lack of vocabulary and being unable to express when I want to be fully understood. This is especially true when I'm with my lifelong partner. I don't want to hurt or be misunderstand my loved one, either.
I will always welcome you as a friend if you come back to Seoul on your next vacation. It doesn't matter whether you're coming next year, or later that year, but this time I'm sorry I won't be able to see you now. I wonder what you're doing now. I also wonder how you’ve spent your time, and the thoughts you've been thinking.