kanashibari in class

Hmm.. I had an auditing class and it was sort of the first lecture because the very first class last week was just an introduction and the last class was canceled. In that class, there are many students who did internship in summer at biggest accounting firms in this country. In my mind, I know that I should not consider about applying for those big accounting firms because of my English, and my grade, and also the fact that those firms make international students sign up for the program in which they need to work in the branches of their country eventually. But I felt like I'm left out from the world by falling behind about jub hunting and internship. I got really stressed out and felt sick in the class, so I couldn't take notes.

One of the reasons why I feel rush and upset this much is the fraternity meeting I attended yesterday. Students there were mostly junior or sophomore, and seniors are officers and cabinet in the society. I got to talk to officers and found out that they were continuing working in acconting firms in which they did internship in summer. They are still around 21 years old, and they already got a head start in their carreer. I know I should not compare them with me, but I can't help looking back on the past years I spent.

I still don't have strong mind about what I am. Always influenced by others. The recent hard time often makes me think of myself. It's good but it's hard.

What am I?