最期にブログを書いたのが去年の1月らしい。ツイッターにリンクを貼っていたのが恐ろしいくらい極私的なことが書かれている。もともと時間があまりにも早く経つものだから記録することで時間の加速を止めようとして日記をはじめた。日記はいくつか生まれて、結局ここは感情をこぼすだけの場所になった。でも、そうだ、今だって目覚めた瞬間に感情が零れ落ちそうで、どれも捨てたくなくてパソコンを起動させたんだ。いろんなものにいろんな方法で記録しておこうか。それは時間の無駄だろうか。
でも捨てることも覚えないといけないかもしれない。そうじゃないと全てが台無しになってしまう。
さっき目が覚めた瞬間は、本当は憂うつでしょうがなかった。夜の間は一緒にいた友人たちがもういなくなっているのだから。思わず一週間続いてるオナ禁を破るところだった。気持ち悪いな。僕は少しメンヘラなところがある。相手に多くを求めてしまったりする。でもそういう距離の測り方も少しづつ分かってきた気がする。少しづつ成長できていたらいいな。
しかし、このブログは誰かが見ることはあるのだろうか。見てほしくはないのだが。しかし、だれかが見ていた方が緊張感が生まれるし見てもらうことで承認されたと思うこともあるだろう。
思った以上に書くのは疲れる。でも毎日書いていた時期もある。その時期の僕はそのことに力を集中させることが出来たのだろう。最近は疲れることが多くて今こうやって書いていても虚脱していくのが分かる。これ以上は書けないかもしれない。単に集中力が無い。
木村さんがアメリカに連れて行ってくれるらしい。パスポートが切れていないか確認して、英語の練習をして、トロイに連絡して、ブラインドタッチの練習をして、エクセルが使えるようにならなくては。
記録したいことがたくさんあるけれど、やはり朝やることではないかもしれない。今日はここまで。次に日記が書けるのは月曜の夜だと思う。
簡単に心を揺らすな。くだらないことで。
たとえばツイッターとか見ててどうしようもなくなんか言ってやりたい気持ちになったりしてはいけない。それだけの価値があるもの以外に心を囚われてはいけない。僕が決める。
ビッグになるんだ。
でもでもやっぱりあれだ。そううまくはいかない。くだんねーことばっか。
なんだかな。ゆらりゆらり、雲に吸い込まれる
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寒い日だったな。
最近時間が早く進む気がしてたんだけど、僕は時間を長く感じる方法が少しわかったよ
時間っていうのは多分意識していないと消失してしまうんだ。時間というもんも脳が解釈してるもんだから時間を意識してない間は時間が無いのと同じなんだ。
だからぼーっとしてると時間は早く過ぎるっていうか知らないうちに経過しているし
脳を働かせてコマ送りの瞬間たちを記憶していると時間はゆっくりになるというか時間を多く体験できる
つまり恐らく時間の長さとか流れるスピードってもんは記憶力ってことなんじゃないかな
寝てる間の記憶は無い。自分が６時間とか７時間とかずっと横になっている状態をいつも記憶している人間はいない。だから寝てる間の時間は短いというかほぼ無い。これは夢の体験を無視した話だけど。
僕は何かに集中するのが怖くなる時がある。その理由が分かったかもしれない。
何かに集中しているとき人はそれ以外の思考を止めてるようなもんだし、それによって時間が失われるのが怖かったんじゃないかな。あと集中する前とした後の自分が別人になるかもしれない恐怖。これは違う話かな。
そんなことを考えました。
ラノベってあれ無理かもしれん
友達に借りてちょっと読んでみたけど、なんか、むり
本にもよるのかもしれないけど、あの語り気持ち悪いんですけど
アニメを文字にするとああなるのかね
なんか不寛容だな。新しい扉はひらきませんでしたか
中国語おぼえよう
チャリに乗ってるときの感覚で
待ってる時間は長い
待とう
それは所有欲と何が違うんだ
何も違わない
そうか、そうか
心の中にも外にも、大切なものなんて何も無かったんだ。
大切に出来るはずがない
だからさ
彼らはあらゆる砂場でそれらを遊び尽くす
汚して侵してバラバラにして
心をよく知ってるから
僕は
どうしたいんだろう
人は胸を痛めながらも動ける
むしろ動くと痛みが無くなっていく
それゆえ動けない
だけど動け
あー、もう、ドMかよ
ずっと寝てたい
以前価値の比重のことを考えたけど。偏らせるとか言って
これは人の、か分かんないけど、僕の特徴の一つみたいだ。
覚悟も無く何かを捨てるみたいな。
一つに注ぎ込んだらうまくいくような考え
しかしこれは完全に間違ってるわけじゃない。たぶん。
明らかに影響が出ているから
狙った効果じゃない副産物的なものかもしれないけど
心が本当に追い詰められるようになる。
それがまるで傷つけられてるみたいに想像して１人で喜んでる気持ち悪い人間だなー僕は
とにかく結果重視でいこう。相対的にものを解釈する以上偏りには意味があるのかもしれないけど、今はがむしゃらになんかしなくちゃ
何かに触れると心が変わる。
歩いていたのが方向が分からなくなる。
もうそんな歳じゃないのに。たぶん
こころが３６回変化したら。それに何の意味が
動きかねる
動けない
ああああああああああ
つまんねええええ。
心の変化を防ぐのは簡単
心を見といて変化する前に手を離せばいい。
でもそれをしてもいいのか
それはでもなにか」もったいなくないか
でも俯瞰すれば、どうでもいい。しょーもない。」どうでもインフォ
そうか。わかった。僕の心は本当は何一つ変わってないんだ。もう１９。さらに昔から脳が周りより段階が早かった気がする
僕の心は変わってないんじゃないか
パトスってやつだ。エートスじゃない。
少し時間がたてば消えてしまうんだ、心から、そして外には何も残ってない。こうやって書くぐらい
そんなもの
気にしなくていいじゃないか
なにか
なにがしたいのやら
僕は
もうちょっと言葉を整理しないと後から見てもわけわかんなくなるな。
気をつけよう。