you have 3 options in life
1. a double cheese burrito
2. the man behind you in lecture doing whatever on his computer so hard you get haptic feedback on your chair
3. the other man (smol dog) who doesn't answer your texts or follow up with a proper date
if you picked 1. :
great! you're sane. well done in cruising through life without hormonal acne
if you picked 2. :
great! you have insanely godsent potential in tolerating someone jerking off beside you in the bed
if you picked 3. :
great! you're fucked.
in lecture we talk about old people and how the old is now the pre-old and old people live and die all the time.
I reflect my own inabilities to create a good insight on life and resort to whatever I can hyperfocus on to drag me through another mud puddle called the twenties because once upon a time I used to be so so so so too fucking obsessed with old men dying alone and still being alone after they die. It's tragic. It's not supposed to be a joke.
But now I look at my own life and think man, I'm really fucked. I'm becoming that old man. I still struggle with whether I should buy a cheese burrito or a double cheese burrito as if in any future timing I'd get a horrible, horrible sense of guilt from that one failed decision at lunch and whiplash through the stages of grief because of some flour and milk solids. And I find myself sitting on the other uncomfortable end of the spectrum where the other decision my ass made on a whim in January continues being so nice to me and make me doubt what I should do with love and whatnot.
My mom told me the best option it seems now is to stay. Or as she says "sustain". Post the first two cursed years of my nygh ids journey I never knew having anything sustainable would be of such importance, not, because dear lando rising big burning meatball said SDGs!! SDGs!!!!! and I get forcibly pinged against my will that we need sustenance, we need peace in life in all colours of the spectrum.
She told me that now since I can't to pull my ass out of the situation because of air-quote love and also can't find energy to push for definition I can only find ways to sustain this holy shitshow of the century. I am trying. I am also depressed.
So I pulled out a remotely executable plan from my ass, that is to sustain through the jolly season before summer slams me to the ground in a chokehold again.