Don't just die with me, live life with me before it all ends.
A year+ of madness creeps up on you don't you see? Some things may be better left untouched but just like fucking ADHD impulsivity mixed with longing more often than not shit circles back. No matter how hard I try to avoid it. It just happens.
As I squint at this screen at this god forsaken hour of the day (8am, not too bad but considering I woke up at 1:15am this is a fucking joke) I reflect on my tumultuous love life. The biggest shitshow of the century, better put. As my attachment style slowly transforms into secure and I feel my anxiety die down to a simmer called "I'm fucking irritated by the flakiness of your majesty but I still love you nonetheless" my rejection of love itself for itself has morphed into less of a "no one loves me" but "no one loves me but I see that you do, what the fuck", and as much as it settles my soul it creates another paradoxical albeit more practical stressor of "now what?"
My conclusion, is that we get married. I'll get you to marry me either way, so fuck you.
I knew your eyes spoke their melancholy more than their joy and I knew I'm one exploded-egg-in-the-microwave away from losing all faith in investing in some shallow mating dance. I knew it wasn't the best idea and I knew what I thought I was getting myself into, until I didn't. Until I saw my own label of you shift from "pseudo-lover/fwb" to "大切な人" and come to fear you dying more than leaving me. Anticipatory grief, they say, until they realise we're both still overgrown kids barely in our twenties holding life like it were a grenade. You see my senseless panic there?
You're so irritatingly flaky and floaty and all over the place and while that now pisses the fuck out of me 90% of the time I must admit your existence on its own is just too endearing for me to let go, so while you try to float I'll casually hold on to you like how Pennywise does it with that pedophilic smile. Jokes aside, you're precious.
You're not my saviour, neither am I to you. Seeing you doesn't magically rid life of its pains, but it brings me so much awe and joy to know life in all its absurdity has brought me to you, you majestically chaotic bean. I find that beautiful. You're beautiful.
And the truth is, I don't want to let go, but neither will I let what we have marinate in half-assedness in the shadows. I see your fears looming above you. I see how much you're scared. My own ones scream at me to die too, to disappear so no one gets a taste of the authentic disappoinment I offer. But ironically through this I've grown strong enough to extend my trembing offerーthat instead of dying together, we live this life together for onceー
もう、結婚しようよ。