I've been so overstimulated today to the point where people being around me or just talking to me is making me want to punch a wall. And I have been wanting to do that all weekend because of so many things adding up at once. 
First off, my sister has been over and is dealing with this REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING cough that is nonstop and I can hear it at least every 2 minutes. I can hear it through my wall at night and I barely have been able to sleep. She says she's taking all the meds and doing everything she can for it, but is she really?? I haven't seen her ingest a single damn cough drop, consistently drink water or take a damn Sudafed for fuck's sake. She won't even fucking BOTHER and it's really getting on my nerves even though she says she "can't help it". Well I call total bullshit because when I had a terrible cough like that, I took all the meds I needed and guess what? *gasp*...IT WENT AWAY!! So she's just choosing to be a lazy selfish bitch that is inconsiderate to her sister trying to fucking sleep at night.
What's probably getting me the most is the fact that my mom has been on my ASS about everything I've been doing wrong and criticizing my every move. I'm not hard-working enough, not taking initiative enough, lazy because I'm sleeping until until 10 AM (which to her is "clown time" to get up) etc. Little comments like this have been happening all fucking day for the past 2 days and then to top this off, she thinks it's appropriate tell me to get up like a fucking 12-year-old when I'm almost TWENTY-FIVE. because she wants everyone in the house to act HER way without having any consideration towards other people. I swear I've punched a hole in the wall over this shit before at one point.
You could say "well, be up out of bed by the time she wants you to be up so you can avoid this frustration and start your day off better" but why should I fucking HAVE TO?? I'm twenty-fucking-FIVE, my fucking mom shouldn't be thinking it's APPROPRIATE to dictate my sleep schedule and when I need to get up. It's fucking obscene, inappropriate, and I'm at the end of my tether with it.
I don't care how she feels and I can't get myself to give a single SHIT right now. All I want to do when I look at her is punch a wall or punch her face. She ruined both my Christmas Eve AND Christmas morning by waking me up before my alarm and deciding to be a bitch and pick a fight with me over something fucking stupid and I couldn't take it anymore and had a full-blown meltdown. I hate her and I hate that I let her fucking ruin the ONE day that I wanted her to get off my back and shut the fuck up.
In fact, I am getting at the end of my rope with her trying to police what I do, police what I say and police how I fucking LIVE. Like why can't she just leave me the fuck alone?? I'M FUCKING DONE WITH THIS SHIT!! I've HAD IT!
If she doesn't quit doing this shit by my 25th birthday, this bitch WILL have hell to pay and it will NOT be pretty. If she wants to do this to me, I'll do it back. I'll wake her up at 5 AM EVERY DAY and tell her that getting up any later is lazy and "clown time" and see how she takes it. 7 DAYS a week, including her day off. Maybe reek the house with some pot for a while and fuck up the common areas with my mess with some alcohol bottles and rotting food with maggots. Perhaps I'll throw an attitude every time she asks for my help with something. Maybe I should show her what a TRULY lazy, selfish and inconsiderate roommate is so she can eat her words and regret ever acting like this towards me in the first place.
I HATE my mom, I HATE my stupid spoiled rotten snotty narcissistic sister, and I fucking HATE being associated with both of them! I hate the fact that I have to look at them overachieving past what's realistic to me and have that be a realistic metric for me to compare myself to. I feel inferior to them and inferior to my entire family and NEVER TRULY feel good enough to meet their silent expectations they impose on me. I have to be perfectly disciplined with my life and barely have any slip-ups in order for me to be good enough for them and honestly I'm RESENTFUL.
I am fucking RESENTFUL and I'm not going to sit there and shove my feelings down anymore. I'm resentful to the point of hating my family and I need to talk to my therapist about it but why should I have to do that instead of screaming at my family and telling them that they're a bunch of narcissistic c*nts and that I wish they could take their snotty entitled attitudes, projection, and emotional dysregulation and shove it up their ass?? HUH?? Why can't that be a healthy option?? I hate this!!
Nobody understands me or how I feel and I always feel like my feelings or needs are too much for them and I can't stand it anymore. It's REAL fucking hard NOT to be defensive all the time or be paranoid about people's intentions towards me when every single fucking TIME my gut feeling about being manipulated or bullied is always right. I can't get myself to put my guard down anymore and it's like my body shuts down when I try to. I feel like my mom ruined me and I wish I would have had a different mom because did I deserve this one? NO. FUCK NO.
I've written to the point where I'm absolutely exhausted in the hopes that I can take all this pent up anger and rage and handle it in a healthy way. Well Merry Christmas I guess.
