So a bit after the rough start to my morning, my mom and I were going to practice me introducing myself to an employer and handing them my resume, but it didn't go so well because I was anxious.
I was frustrated because I've told her repeatedly that if I overthink about how I'm going to do this, I'm going to clam up and not do as well, and I'm better off just winging it. I also have had no interest in talking to her this morning because of what happened last night, and I feel on edge in general about asking her to practice interviews with me because I KNOW she will criticise every word I say, and tell me how to phrase it better.
I wasn't in a good headspace to do this at ALL today or talk to her at all because I knew we would fight. After she pointed out that I need to stop clamming up and have a conversation with the person instead of focusing on what I'm going to say, I snapped and told her that I told her many times that doing this would make me more nervous and do worse. Well she was not having it at ALL, and said "ok well you can just go and flounder than and keep being jobless since you aren't taking my help". ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I got fed up and told her to stop mocking me in front of my face and that I'm sick of fighting, and then she said that her actions were MY fault while taking NO accountability for managing her emotions. She went into a tirade about how crazy I am, how disgusting it looks, that I'm selfish, etc. My dad was overhearing this and I was so sick of my mom screaming at me that I told her to leave me alone and that I wanted to talk with dad in private so I can cool off.
I told my dad the whole situation, and he said to me that what I am dealing with is an addiction that I need help for, which I 100% agree with. I am reflecting on what he said while I'm writing this, and I've decided to look into joining a NA group. While my addiction isn't drugs or alcohol, there isn't a specific support group in my area for what I'm dealing with unfortunately, so I'm going to need to pick one of them and hope that they'll let me be in their group. I decided on NA because their group focus is to focus on helping addicts (not exclusively alcohol), and that they believe the phrase "admitting we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable".
I'm hoping that my mom won't bring this up for the rest of the night because I genuinely want to enjoy my easter. And I think it's REALLY low to bring my boyfriend into this and tell me that he will break up with me if I don't stop as if they KNOW what he's thinking. So disgusting. 
To top it all off, she told me to not tell my sister about my situation until she's done with her exam so she doesn't stress about it, and that if I did, I would be incredibly selfish...AS IF I WERE GOING TO DO THAT. So 
ed up.
Anyways, I cannot do today and my Easter is ruined because my mom can't shut her mouth and manage her emotions like an adult in private instead of talking 
about me in the SAME ROOM as me, and feels like she has cart blanche to say whatever awful things she wants to say since it's "hER hOUsE, hEr rUles." My dad completely enabled her behavior too, and said that loved ones with addiction "act crazy sometimes and say things they don't mean because they don't know what do and feel emotionally overwhelmed" ARE YOU KIDDING ME 
So calling someone "crazy", "selfish", "a liar" etc, putting words into their mouth and assuming what they think is the truth, and making fun of their feelings is completely acceptable. I'm SO ing done with him enabling her y behavior. Does he think that shaming someone is going to make it better?? I just can't wrap my head around WHY her behavior is excused.
"Everyone will think you're a freak", "You'll make everyone in our family look bad", "You will not embarass us at the wedding", "You'll put me in an awkward situation explaining why I'm not in my sister's wedding", "Your boyfriend will leave you", "Your legs look disgusting since you've picked them to hamburger", etc. THIS is acceptable to say to someone that's hurting?? 
I can't even comprehend how she doesn't care about how her words may affect other people, it's so messed up.
Mom, you can shine me on ALL you want, but at the end of the day, I'm never going to forget this. I'm never going to forget when I go to the wedding that I was given an ultimatum so I wouldn't make her and everyone else "look bad" for the wedding because of my skin. These memories are going to be tainted and I doubt I'm ever going to get over it, even when I overcome my addiction. I am disgusted that she has NO remorse about any of the things she's said.
I am so bitter, angry and sad. I am definitely not letting this go and won't hesitate to make your life to go to if I ever need to. I will tell everyone the truth eventually. I've already told my boyfriend, psychiatrist, friends, and counselor about the cruel things you've said, don't think that this will be your "little secret" and that you'll get away with this, because you NEVER will. I will NOT take care of you when you'll get old, I will have no emotional involvement in your life once I become financially independent, and I may even go as far as changing my legal maiden name JUST so I don't have to be associated with you.
I will NEVER forgive you for this.
