Independence day!

last 3 weeks recap

Dirty South, Alesso - City Of Dreams ft. Ruben Haze

drivers road test in 3 days.
went through all the transferring process for next semester. BARUCH LEGGO!
got to know my co-workers more.
work reminds me of camp.
met some pretty chill people.
met some shocking people as well.
got to hang out w/ friends from jr. high!
hang out w/ IC tomorrow!
no fire works on 7/4 :(
birthday passed! officially 21!
sucessful skating sessions.began to pick up my shit again.
learned to late pop shuv, and varials
Lately ive been feeling kinda empty. --> personal problems back home?


Work being in wall street, i see business men everyday. it really does make me feel motivated to get back t school. opened my eyes to a whole new level. i guess ive never really understood the concept until now. and i guess im still a kid. the peter pan complex. yet, inside i know i need to let go of these things, because its dragging me down.
I work night shifts, but last week i had to work in the afternoon for the first time. there, for the first time, ive met someone different. its as if you want to reach out to him/her and help that person out. but you cant. the thing is, this girl.. shes one of the most beautiful girl ive ever met. the only thing is that she seems to have a eating disorder.. or something. she looks really anorexic. she literally looks all bones, face down. the worst part is, i didnt have the guts to talk to her, because im too embarrassed to speak in japanese. but these are the moments when i regret doing nothing. even a small conversation would of sufficed! the other workers were all talking to each other, and shes the only one doing last minute work. when we were all eating, she was the only one who didnt join us and took her things and left. she hasnt spoken one word to anyone when i was there. i want to help her :(.

WHAT AM I THINKING?

hah, so this is basically an example of how my thinking process works when in deep thought:

*Its pouring outside and im walking along the streets with an umbrella (barely big enough to fit me). there is slight/heavy(?) wind so the rain is pouring at an angle. This is what im thinking*

'I should hold my umbrella at an angle so I wont get wet at all.'

'wait but if i do that, theres a chance that my umbrella might get turned inside out'

'and if that happens I might get totally wet and ruin my clothes for work'

'So YOLO it or just keep it straight and get somewhat a little wet but wont risk getting soaked and your umbrella going rambo?'

'hmmmm'

'damn this is like a metaphor to life. you either suffer a bit now and later guaranteed to get what you want in the future OR you can risk something now but your future isnt guaranteed.'

'wait thats kinda confusing. so what do I suffer from? school work?'

'maybe managing time. work hard or play hard i guess.'

'maybe rain is metaphor for obstacles and umbrella is guidance. Its telling you that you can either tackle these obstacles and get hit along the way, or you can try and take the easy way out, i guess by pussying out, but you may pay the price later'

'so its i guess its like you either risk it all or you play safe.'

'wait WHAT? so risking is the easy way out? oh actually that makes sense. if we scale down to like grades, if you dont do any hw youre taking the easy way out but youre also risking the chances of not getting a good grade in the end. but if you study youre suffering but youre also certain you'll do well. oh right right, this is common knowledge.'

'it can also do something about realization? you dont realize it until it actually happens to you. kinda like my problem. I only think about the present and not what will happen in the future so naturally ill probably pick the risky option. id probably want it easy because i dont think about the consequences that comes with it. So im the type that would pick the risky option. because YOLO right???'

'so risk getting soaked'

'but know youre fully safe from the rain at this very moment. sounds good.'

'its only 5 minutes away anyways.'


lol thought this was kinda funny and post worthy.

6.12.13

Ill be honest, Ever since the incident of the brownies, I tried really hard to accept my mistakes, accept that it happened for a reason and try to learn from it.
Perish but adapt.
Suffer but understand.
I wanted a simple life. Try to make life better by thinking positively. I tried to be optimistic telling myself "dont worry, you'll be fine. something good will happen." But the thing is, im not that strong and i cant pretend that I am. moreover, NOTHING ever good happens. ever. I tell myself "Its okay, just be nice to people; dont expect much from others. But there are times when I feel that there are no one I can really go to when I NEED help. When I need help, will they be there for me? And after I thought about all of this, I came to other conclusions.

This semester has been amazing but also every stressful. Ive learned a lot about myself from others, and hopefully in return Ive helped others as well. One thing, however, is that Ive learned to stop playing the game. I think ive mentioned this before, but there are some other things i should mention that i quickly picked up afterwards. Yes its true that i should do whats best even if it means 'losing'. But then another question come into play. How FAR should I lose so that they can win? MEANING: How harsh do I have to be to myself and accept defeat to let them have it their way? Will there be times when they will step up and become the bigger person? Of course this 'game' is just a metaphor to our everyday lives. Many perceives this as decisions and commitment. I found out that i always had to be the bigger person and give up some part of me. Whether it was to leave my comfort zone, or losing someone special, i always end up ultimately getting hurt.

Towards the end of the semester, probably mid April, everything had been turned upside down for me. People I thought i were close with, were soon disappearing. People who I thought i really liked, soon started to disappear as well. But most importantly, people who I thought I can trust the most shut me down, when I needed them the most. In the end, I had to talk to myself that everything was alright and i can overcome it. But I knew it wasnt. From friends who didnt reach out for a simple request to friends who couldnt keep a promise. The thing is, the problem wasnt the how the situation was handled, but the idea behind it. Even through something small such as a place to stay or a promise that shouldnt have been broken, inside I felt like I wasnt even worth it. When i said it was going to be alright, i knew it wasnt. Nothing was going to be alright, because I had to deal with it alone.

Even though Ive learned to not rely on people and to not trust many, its also made me become a better person. Even though I wanted to try and do everything on my own from then on and to keep everything to myself, I know I cant. I fact, I dont want to. Ive realized its only going to make it worse. (just like in HS and its something id wish i wouldnt have to repeat.) I need people around me and im glad that there are people who actually DO care about me and understand me. Im also glad that because of people like them, im able to stay strong, even though they are the same people who shut me down in the first place.

I wish, however, that sometimes i didnt have to be the bigger person. Id wish that sometimes they would come first or do whats best even if it means losing. Id wish that sometimes someone will say "Hello again and thanks". That would really brighten my day. Id wish there are people who will throw away their pride just to do whats best for everyone, and not for themselves. But thats where the problem starts. People are just innately selfish to begin with. People prioritize themselves over others, and thats expected from people. But is there a true limit until it becomes a problem? train of thought.

Ive actually tried to vaguely categorize this whole thing during during my free time lol. So naturally people think about themselves first: thinks what is best for them and outweighs the pros and cons for any choice they make, because naturally if nothing (good) comes out of it for them = they wont do it. Lets ignore factors like feelings of sympathy and guilt, or anything that may influence their behavior/decisions( personal). Long story short there are 2 types. One are the non risk takers: people who'd rather stay in their comfort zone and do whats best for them - at a distance. If they are risking anything, they wont do it and rather suffer the consequences and shit. examples are people like.. ermmm, i suppose stereotypical college students. Theyd rather take the safer option and try to avoid anything dangerous at all cost. Then finally there are the risk takers. Ultimately they also think whats best for them, but with a different mentality. They would rather risk everything to get to where they want to become, even if it means losing everything. Ideally, they leave the comfort zone and push themselves out. Examples are people like celebrities and athletes, or people with a creative nature - willing to experience new things. But if we factor other substitutes like feelings, then the category expands even greater. But this is how its probably generalized, in my opinion.

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Your guardian Angel

downfall crisis.

im done. i wont ask anything for anyone anymore. its too much for me to handle. id rather just do everything on my own, and suffer on my own. that way i know for sure i wont have to deal with any of this again. ill only hurt myself and thats fine, because i wont have to associate myself with others. Ive learned that getting people involved makes everything just far worse. Starting now, im gonna forget about everyone: high school friends, all of my college friends, and etc. I will keep everything to myself; it was a mistake to even open up to begin with. It was a mistake to trust people. It was a mistake to even have come to binghamton, a mistake to introducing myself to Emily, a mistake to tell Karoline everything, and finally a mistake to try to change myself for the better.

I wont ask anymore. I will do everything on my own. I wont even ask for company. I wont ask for assistance; I wont ask for help. I will do me. IamMe.

Fuck people.


To do list:
apology to tatsuki for everything ive done in the past (highschool)
make a video