I'm going to use this blog to vent some of my frustrations and what I've been struggling with that's been a major psychological issue for me.
One word: "pressure"
According to my streaming community, being myself is not enough apparently. Blue/Huna made that abundant to me in our "friendship" too, it was constant pressure for me to be a different person from who I am. I originally created a character that had a free-spirit, was very connected to the natural world, and was unchained from the bindings of the human realm... but for the past year, Vtubing has become something that has been very damaging to me because of the community.
List of pressures/constraints
- pressure to be a "megane"/glasses girl character
- I made it clear and even tweeted that I despise wearing glasses or things around my face, but I got pressured over and over and over again.
- pressure to be a tomboy
- This started last year, but I didn't have the wherewithal to realize what was going on. It started when Blue and others kept pressuring me to use a deeper speaking voice, like my singing voice, which I am very very very uncomfortable with. It gave me so much anxiety that I was trembling while talking, but the pressure continued. I am not a tomboy, never will be. I don't even own a pair of blue jeans, and I do not like presenting in a masculine way at all. I will never have a character design or cut my hair in a "pixie cut", some people can pull it off, but I think it is hideous and do not like it at all. I am not "one of the boys", being around men makes me very uncomfortable, but I try to stomach it.
- pressure to play different decks other than "Labrynth"
- Even though I had already started building other decks, people constantly pressured me to build others. At first, it was okay, but then I started getting bullied and put on a time clock to start building a new deck. This deeply wounded me because Labrynth is why I love Yu-Gi-Oh, that deck is my main and is special to me, and no other deck will be like that. And if you had just left me alone and let me build my own decks, then I would have. Constant pressure builds resistance.
- pressure to be a mecha fan
- I've seen a ton of mecha anime and I used to be really into the genre, but I don't like it anymore. Please kindly back off and leave me alone.
I'm just tired of the negging. I naturally talk in a high-pitched voice and it makes me feel happy, and it feels right to me, just because someone has a high vocal range doesn't mean you should force someone to be something they're not. Yeah, I like boyish things like insects and battleships and tanks and trains and ecchi anime, but that doesn't make me a tomboy. I dress in a girly fashion and have girly hobbies, too, please leave me alone. No one in my real life has ever coined me as a "tomboy" until now. I've seen the Reddit threads where "cute grease monkey tomboy who likes mechas" is trending or "glasses girls", but those stereotypes do not fit me at all and I refuse to be boxed in, and even if I was offered a job playing those roles... I would refuse, because they don't suit my personality or interests.