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relationship Challenge:I was married for 15 years
when i got separated.Our divorce was most definitely difficult because we owned
a business together that was our sole means of support.I quit college to work in
our operation when i was in my early twenties.I left the market and all of the
assets behind except our home.We have four children with each other ranging in
ages 17 9.I returned to school and he pays alimony until i graduate that is this
december.I have been on my own with my children for three and a half years now
and am ready to move forward separate from him financially.I have been in a very
slow moving spouse for the past three years.We were friends for decades before
and he knew my ex professionally.Our relationship actually did hurt him expertly
and we needed to keep things quiet to avoid issues.We care deeply for additional
and get along great.I spend all of my trips without kids with him and have gone
on some weekend getaways with him.We talk on the phone with each other a lot
seven days a week.Neither one of us wanted to bring my children into the image
as of yet.My main focus was on school and getting my kids the particular divorce
as smoothly as possible.They know i am seeing someone and have met him briefly
several times.I am feeling like we have to get my kids involved and am sensing
resistance on his part.I am getting mixed signals from him on the case.He has
been divorced for 10 years and has a 16 year old son.I have made an effort to
get along with his son and family and yet he won't come around mine.I don't wish
to push him if he's not ready, but he is claiming he need to get married this
year, but he won't make any concrete promises.When i bring it up he just avoids
the topic or says he only wants to get along with me, but he is afraid of
marriage again because so many marriages don't work out.The funny thing is i am
not the one pushing for marital relationship.I eventually would like to get
married again, but only if it is appropriate.I don't ever want research another
divorce.I just want him to be more involved in my life with my kids and to know
this is the path he would eventually like to go down.I am not buying father
figure, the masai have a dad.This has been an issue within the past year and
doesn't seem to be going anywhere.I have two doubts.First is that surely that
i've answered this question before, maybe within the last few week.Is that
prospective?I know people often submit inquiries to multiple experts.Second,
actually haven't given me enough to go one.I agree that his standing is strange,
to want marital relationship sooner and then to not address certain critical
issues.It sounds like you guys find it difficult to have those deep
conversations that a long term relationship requires.So i'm guessing it is
something in your listening styles or your self disclosure styles.But i am
unable to tell why it's stuck.You'd have to give me a much more detailed sense
of what's happening.Of course the secrecy that marked the start of this
relationship might also have some bearing on the issues you are having now.We
have that before.And i'd need to know more to have a good theory about what's
happening with not wanting to connect with the kids, but also wanting
partnership.Those two things seem rather unclear.Lover free hour on the phone,
it's yours which asking.I'd love to get to know what's going on and maybe then i
can give you advice on how to take the next step.I'm in the far east time
zone.And i'd need to know more to have a good theory about what are you doing
with not wanting to connect with the kids, but also wanting marriage
ceremony.Those two things seem rather unclear.That may be my dilemma.I am
getting mixed messages and don t seem to be getting anywhere when i try to
approach him about it.I would say we are having a notifications problem.So i am
left with the impossible task of trying to develop my own theories about your
situation.So here you go:I think that he is not ready to make any firm promises
to me, but does not want me to go any where so when he starts to feel like i am
pulling away he starts talking marriage convinced that s what i want to hear so
i won t go anywhere.I think the very idea of getting involved with my kid s
scares him, as it ought to, and he won t make such a move until he is firm that
he's going to marry me, which i are in agreement with.I have told him not to
even bring marriage up unless that s what he is wanting.I eventually just have
to marry again, but i don t want to marry someone that i have to force the way
it is on.I definitely don t want to discuss marriage when he has not made any
attempt to study my kids.And, there comes a point in any romance arrangement
where it just becomes stagnant and that maybe it is best for both persons
involved to let each other go so they might find that person they can make a
firmer commitment with.And as a result, here is where i am at now.We are going
to las vegas together in a few weeks.He may possibly be talking non stop about,
specifically the thing else, desperate to marry me.He refers to me about
chapels, wedding dresses, artists etc.He said that he select to maybe get
married in february and look at chapels while we are out there.Now that the time
is nearing he is backing off the main topic of marriage.Not the first time this
has happened and when it came down to it we didn t look at any chapels nor did
he ever get a ring or make any attempt to plainly my children.He gets me
relevant that i think we are moving to the next step so i start trying to set up
days we can all do things together so he can get to know my kids and he says he
s busy and can t do it.I ll start making appointments to try on dresses to
receive rings and he tells me hold off for a little bit.Then i m left feeling
like i m desperate and clingy so i back off the topic and then he tells me that
he considered that i was the one who did not want to get married.See the
horrible circle.I end up feeling as an idiot.I am also growing tired of our
union as is.I have driven to his house to see him for fun on saturday i don t
have my kids for the past three years.He lives 40 units away.He works in the
town i live in so he calls me for lunch your week.He usually calls me up to a
dozen times a day.He calls me very initial thing when he gets up and last thing
before he goes to bed.He is just not come to my house if my kids are home.He
wont stop to see me if i have my kids with me.He doesn't invite my kids and i
over to his house.Any free time i have without kids he wants to spend with me so
i have bit of time with friends.I am ready to get a companion on more of a full
time basis.I am starting out feel isolated and alone.The other slight problem
that i have is romantic relationship that he has with his ex wife.I support a
positive marriage with an ex when children are involved, which brand-New areas
such as.Remember, though, some of it is on top.As an example, he talks to her
every single day.New years day she called to say happy new years and do you
remember what you were doing 20 years ago today which got them indicating old
times.My sister in law owns a little boutique that she took it to so she asked
him to pick her and their son up so they could go together.She went to a resort
for a week with their son four hours away and he drove up their for the day the
game of golf with his son and to have dinner with them.When he moved a year ago
she called and agreed to help him move.She has him water her flowers when she is
on vacation.She asks him to come over to get things out of your attic for
her.When his power went out he went to her house to stand under the shower.He
also retains a photo of her by her self and of her and him stashed in the
closet.He conjurs her up a lot.Silly aspects such as what she used to like to
eat.We will have to drive by the house that they lived in together when they
were married.If i say anything he just tells me that it s me and that i have
trouble.He says that if he dreamed of being with her he would be.That it s been
10 years and that possibly they are better off divorced, but they have to talk
together for his son s sake.He has to move this month and he's going to move a
mile away from her so he is closer to his son.Ok last one, his son is travelling
now.His ex wife has cancer of the breast right now and her mother just passed
away.Although, everything i in the list above occurred before this.Merely, if i
say any item now i look bad.I feel bad for her situation and understand or know
he needs to help her out now.In order, i am really convinced that i need to move
on or move on.I deeply care for him and he for certain does some extremely nice
things for me to show he cares.I have three years invested into our internet
dating and don t know if i want to start all over with someone new.Specially
when he tells me things like he wants to get married.He and i get along very
well and i don t want to be with anyone else.I pretty much have set in my mind
that with time go to vegas with him and see what happens and if he backs off
from everything then when we get back then with time just tell him i need to
move on.I'm not one for ultimatums or games.I m not sure if i am being fair or
if i should give it more.I tried to get this to a shorter question.I am my
apologies!It s just really difficult, that's considerably better, kudos.Strange
how it feels like i'd read very first question and answered it before.Go
consider.So you're caught in the dance and trying as hard as you can to be a
good person and help and yet you're just getting used up and feeling like
bailing and not sure how to take a stand without finding as a bad person.I do
think this is time for an ultimatum but there are are ultimatums and kind of
ultimatums.There is an art to these products.You want to capture a stand and do
it in a way that invites him to step up to the challenge.In a sense this is
laying the groundwork for a solid romantic connection that works.The offer is,
you both have to agree that you will regularly sit down and decide on the ground
rules for romantic relationship, how it help correct problems, how big
selections will get made.It's sort of like setting up a composition for this
union.Marriage talk is all lovely and wonderful but unless you no doubt know how
that marriage will be constructed and how major decisions will get made, you
will aren't ready for marriage.You will want to, or both of you arrange to talk
to me or someone who can help you learn how to confront these complaints and
think about them and talk about them.You seem to have as very nice and very
promising relationship and you've just reached that point where you must do some
heavy lifting.Every relationship requires this gradually.There's no avoiding it
and all the romance and promises and flowers available won't make these
challenges go away.You certainly both seem to have the good will but this is
likely to be very demanding.If you talk to me about it on the phone, i'll supply
you with a phone consult so i can explain better what's up.I think you must
first insist on something but exactly what is a more delicate matter.I think at
minimum you guys need to be able to step back and look at what's going on and
you need to hear his concerns(And he needs to allow them to explain them and
he's just going on instinct at the moment)And you must have your concerns also
articulated.It's a simple truth that the effort of finding a common language
will in itself build a courting.It might even be essential to building an
enduring romance arrangement.So this challenge is a great chance for you both.
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