8/12, tuesday, kind of hot, but cold at home

the last tiem i've written here was five weeks ago. today is already the last week of summer school. four more days, and i'll be home again. it's kind of unbelievable for me, to go home so often. i was home only a month ago. such a luxury. yesterday i was writing the paper for music. i can't believe i could just sit there for the whole weekend, and even on sunday i was still staring at nothing. i chose to clean the whole house instead of writing my paper. it turns out that i started my essay at 4 am in the morning. amazing. i wonder how i did it too. how can i purposedly make myself so last minute? i thinki went crazy.

too comfortable living by myself. love it. i was cooking like crazy these few days. i plan to eat stead on wednesday, salmon on thursday, and then i'll be home. i made steam egg today, and i added in coffee into the milk. after steaming it for half an hour, i realie that i forgot the egg! and then i made a mess, and i don't know how it taste now. it's in the refrigerator, i'll see tomorrow. but then it smells good. haha, who knows maybe i made something good this way. let see. what did i made on the other days? ooo... i made sushi! it got dried now, but it was good before~ i need to put in more cream cheese next time, i didn't know it would tastes that good. hmm next time maybe i should marinate the inside, it wasn't salty enough. maybe more cream cheese. it was such a luxury. and i ate bacon today too, with potatoe totes. so badddd... hmm what else did i make? i don't really remember now. i made 3 cups of rice for the sushi, and i think i'll finish it by tomorrow. the rice was a bit too wet at first, but it doesn't have enough vinegar taste to it. next time should adjst for that. awww i was craving for meat the whole time too. i've been eating my tofu for more than a week now, and i think i'll finish it tomorrow too. seems like i can finish everything before i leave for home. today i made spare ribs with the ribs sauces, but it wasn't marinated enough. i think i added too much baking powder when i was cooking it. but overall it was good. it's the same dish that i've been making for over a year now. haha. when i look back in the future on my college life, i'll think about spare ribs.

my cooking is good! i think it is! haha. i will prove to you! when i go home i'll cook for mum and dad and brother.

i hope the conflict in georgia and russia would end soon. after reading so much presidential speeches yesterday... or today, i got into the war mode. i am scared of even the slightest idea of war. i hope this won't escalate into anything bigger. please stop soon.

i need to have more confidence in myself. most of the things i can do, i am just scared to try.

i missed out a lot. need to stop losing opportunities.

should i take judo? but then i'll be all sweaty to class, and i'm kind of scare. actually, i don't really know what judo is. hmmm.

i am craving for ice-cream, but i shouldn't eat so much. i ate more recently.

what should i get for laura? hmmmm. haven't figure it out yet. probably a lucky neckalce, or a kipling bag, or a big doll?

study study study! four more days! four more semester! four more chances to redeem myself, and then probably i will never go to school again. although i really want to. it's still possible.

i'm still watching olympics. it's very addicting. too addicting. need to stopppppp.

i wonder who i'll meet next semester.

and i wonder if i'll do better. i hope i will stop my panic attack. stupid stupid me.

but now i'm freeee. so freee. i should enjoy it before i let myself get stupid again.

i cleaned out my room too. i love cleaning. i have ocd. >< ... i like cleaning things at night. omg kfccccccc!!!!

tuesday

today is the second day of the music class. really, the first day and i was thinking to drop the class already. he wants us to sing! wth>< but then, there's no midterm, no finals, no anything for this class, just an research essay at the end, and for twice of the four days each week we can go late, so it was a good bargain. a little pretending and lipsinging and splashing out wrong notes once in a while aren't that bad. the first day was really tiring, since i also needed to go eecs. but today was ok. and tomorrow is going to be the most horrible day of the week. 10-8... o 10:40 to 8. how am i going to finish all the works? and i also need to finish the homework tomorrow. two week back to berkeley and already feeling the inevitabiliy of sleeplessness and days of mindless wandering. whenever i don't sleep i can't think, or at least, i can't think right. my cabbage is eating, i thin. well she is pooping so i guess she must've eaten something. else what can she be pooping out. i just found out yesterday that we're suppose to find her everyday. good thing she's only starved for an afternoon, since it was only yesterday morning that i've decided to feed her 2-3 times a week, and at the same night i was enlightened otherwise. cleaned out her digestive tract a little i hope. i like cabbage, i wonder how she feels towards me. does she recognise me? she's getting more blue every day. such a radiant happy colour. but it reminds me of something else that i am trying to put away for good. there's one thing good about being tired. i am less prone to dwell into that horrible reverie of the past. i simply have the less time to think, less capable of remembering. less feelings for anything.

i really want my brother to be happy. if he's happy everyone's happy. he deserves it, really. he is a good person. just too lazy sometimes. i wish i have some way to change him, his all-too-carefree attitude and his unawareness of the world around him. but he'll grow. i have faith in him. he's the best brother in the world. for me.

i'm worried about mom too. there's just some things that i cannot control. my inability to help makes me all the more 無奈. but hopefully such times would pass, and it'll get better eventually.

i need to do my homework, but then i am watching tv. cabbage is pooping.

i need salad dressing. and i haven't eaten my ice-cream yet. i'll buy my own ice-cream.

chocolate

this is my first blog:D

thanks bett bett for opening it for me.

i don't get anything on this website but it's ok i guess.

i am really hungry right now, same as my fish who wouldn't eat anything. i think she's going on a hunger-strike. eat!!!!!!

i don't want to study but i have to. summer school is tiring.

i just remember i have another class tmr. omg. at 10. need to set up phone.

what would happen tomorrow? i think i know wt would happen. so boring.

i spend so much money on food lately. i think i have addicted to buying things. for no reason.

i need to find something to do besides reading. or i am going to go crazy. o. i can go play the piano tomorrow. let me find some music sheets.

and i am very disappointed. but i don't feel anything. thank you. once again.

life is going to be boring but good:D but who cares.

i have set my goal to be a humanitarian worker. so i need to study hard now to earn enough money for that. but wouldn't i be like a homeless if i were one? o well. if the world needs me:D

i am going to learn french somehow. maybe next summer in some community college:P

and i want to eat chocolate.