confused

I got a proposed by a rich guy today. I couldn’t believe he wanted merry me. I’m still confused so much.

I thought I found a true love few months before and now some other guy wants to merry me.

I thought love is more important, but now everybody told me to merry with him. 

I wish I could be with my ex but not possible anymore and new one already appeared in my life and he was what I was wish for long time ago.

I’m just very confused now and I don’t know how should I think

2019/10/22

Guilty and pain, make me painful and horney all the time. I just wanna escape from the reality.

I could jump from the balcony anytime, but I don’t wanna die on top of the garbage house.

I’m so afraid I will become ghost and stay on the garage forever. Even though I don’t really believe in after life. 

What I’m doing? I don’t know. Maybe I’m destiny to be crazy because my parents or environmentalists. 

I can’t find any answers who should I really become. Or who I am.

I still don’t get what I did wrong but everyone told me I am the one bad. But I still don’t get it...am I abnormal or crazy? I don’t know 

I’m trying to find a new guy to forget about him, but I still don’t like any one. I’m drunk every single day because I don’t get it and I feel so lonely inside. I feel so empty inside. Nobody can understand how I feel. I try to be normal all the time, but I cannot. Why? Why I can’t be the same like everyone? I so sad, I keep thinking I don’t wanna live like this anymore. I wanna be normal too, but I’ve never be. 

What I can do? What can I do to become same like everyone? How can I think like everyone? I really wish to be, but I couldn’t. 

I’m so sad and I wish I could end this even though I don’t wanna make anymone sad. Im sorry David san for didn’t being the way what normal people think.!

2019/10/22

Lonely lonely lonely, lonely as fuck. Is anyone can fill my hear full of happiness? I don’t think so,

I’m clearly know it’s all my problems. Even though I ask someone, I have never field satisfied. I know.

Yeah know I have problems myself, but never can help myself. 

I wish I could die now or could help myself somewhay but not possible.

I did try everything I thought it’s good for me, but nothing works... better is subside is the only way to become true freedom for me?